


Flatline

by Annalas



Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-21 15:50:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1555754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annalas/pseuds/Annalas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The consequences for playing God are enormous, and no one knows that better than Bill.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Plot line is loosely based off the movie Flatliners, starring Keifer Sutherland and Kevin Bacon. Watch it if you get a chance, it's amazing. This story is set in 2009.

Prologue

_  
The blond boy entered the room, not bothering to fully close the door. He fell down on the bed next to his black-haired twin._

_"Hey Bill?" he asked, not bothering with a greeting; they knew each other too well for that._

_"Hmm?" the younger twin looked up from the textbook he was struggling to read._

_"Wanna help me study?" An eyebrow arched as Bill tried to figure out what his brother was up to._

_Tom hated school. He hated the fact that it started so early in the morning, the fact that everyone there either looked at his fourteen-year-old brother in hatred or lust; sometimes both. He hated how he got into fights to protect Bill, though he'd never regret protecting his baby brother. So wanting Bill's help in studying...what was the catch?_

_"What do you need help in?" Tom smirked, already prepared with an answer._

_"Anatomy," he deadpanned._

_"We're not even taking anat--" Bill was cut off as hot lips rose up to meet his. "Oh."_

_Tom kissed him again, pulling him done into the bed. It was a matter of seconds before both boys were nude and writhing on top of the sheets._

_"It's almost dinner," Bill reminded him, telling his brother that they had no make whatever they were about to do quick and silent._

_"So Mom'll be busy cooking," Tom mumbled as they rutted against each other. His hands slid down to his twin's hips, thumb running over the newly-inked star tattoo on his brother's right hipbone. "Besides, we're studying. She always leaves us alone when we study." Bill snorted at that._

_"So let's study," Bill smirked, taking over the role of tutor. He wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. "Show me the genitals, then."_

_"Hmm..." Tom pretended to think as he slid down his brother's body. "Is this it?" He licked a stripe up the inside of Bill's leg, loving the gasp the emitted from his brother's body._

_"N-no," the tutor stammered. "Try again."_

_"How about...here?" Tom nibbled on the area right above his twin's cock._

_"F-fuck. No. Try again. I know you know this, Tomi." Bill closed his eyes, hands clenched in the sheets. He simultaneously loved and hated Tom's teasing. They were supposed to be quick!_

_Tom's mouth suddenly engulfed his cock, deep-throating him. He had been practicing that move, perfecting it, for the past two years. Bill clamped his teeth down, head thrown back as he struggled not to call out. Having his mother up here was the absolute worse thing that could happen at the moment._

_"Perfect," he hissed when he could control himself slightly better. "But the test isn't over yet." Tom glanced up, his tongue curling around Bill's shaft. "Show me the prostate."_

_There was a small bottle of lotion hidden under Bill's mattress. Tom reached for it, never taking his mouth off of Bill. He quickly lubed up a finger and thrust it into Bill's hole, moving it around until he found what he was looking for._

_"Fuck!" Bill hissed, torn between thrusting further into his twin's mouth or against his fingers; both felt like heaven to him. Tom was, if anything, extremely efficient when it came to getting his twin off. It was but a few minutes later that Bill was coming down Tom's throat, pressing a pillow to his face to muffle his scream. He wished they didn't have to hide._

_Tom scooted up to press a kiss to Bill's lips, guiding his twin's hand down to his own erection._

_"Did I pass?" he asked softly, jokingly. Bill smiled as he began to stroke his brother, knowing exactly what he was doing._

_"You aced it." He kissed his brother deeply, swallowing his moans as his twin came over his hand._

_"Boys!" they heard their mother yell. "Dinner!"_

_Quickly, the two boys put their clothes on and ran downstairs, Bill checking his hair in the mirror. When they arrived, they found only two places set at the table._

_"You boys eat," Simone smiled weakly. "I have to make a phone call."_

_The twins ate their spaghetti, not knowing that their happy relationship was about to end. Bill found out only later how his mother had seen them both in one of the most comprising positions; how she was, at that moment, calling their father to separate the two._

_Afterwards, the two went through their normal routine of brushing their teeth, taking showers and, in Bill's case, taking off makeup. They went to sleep in separate rooms, waiting an hour before Tom snuck into his twin's to curl up in bed with him. Bill went to sleep that night with his brother in his arms, thinking everything was right in the world._

_Bill woke up to his mom shaking him awake. He blinked; it was still dark out, and only the small lamp he always kept on by his bedside was shining. Tom was nowhere to be found._

_"Bill, wake up!" his mother cried frantically. He raised questioning eyes to her._

_"What?" He wanted to ask where his twin was, but they weren't supposed to be sleeping in the same bed anymore. The nightmare excuse had worn off a while back._

_"Get dressed, we're going to the hospital. There's been....there's been an accident."_

_"Who?" Bill forced out as he languidly rolled out of bed and grabbed some clothes, trying to figure out why an accident was so important._

_"Your dad," his mother said softly. "And Tom."_

_Bill looked up sharply. Tom? What was he doing in a car with his dad? Tom had been sleeping beside him, last he checked._

_"They don't know if they'll make it," Simone continued, breaking off any chance for questions. "So hurry up."_

_Bill quickly got dressed, grabbing a cap for Tom on his way down the stairs. Even if Tom didn't need it, it was always comforting to have something of his brother's around. What was Tom doing in a car, though?_

_Simone was on the phone, crying. She suddenly collapsed, sitting on the floor and sobbing. The phone fell out of her hand, the person on the other end still talking. Even as Bill reached for the phone, he knew what had happened. He never even got to say goodbye._

__

...........................

Bill was brought back to the present by the honking of people behind him. He stepped on the gas and turned, seeing that the light was green. He went slower than normal, since it was pouring down rain. It was exactly like that night so long ago, when he had lost his twin brother. That night when he and his brother were supposed to be home, safe. Hell, it was even the same date: October 31st. Only this night was ten years later, and Bill was a lot more grown up now. 

He had a class to get to. Over the past ten years, he had studied and worked as hard as he could, and it had finally paid off. Bill was in his first year of Med School, almost to the point of realizing his dream of becoming a doctor. 

"I'm going to class, Tomi," he said to the open air. He liked to believe that Tom heard him, wherever his brother was. It was no use, of course. Tom had been dead for ten years, to the day. 

Bill often wondered if he had stopped Tom that one time...would his brother still be alive today? Their mother wouldn't have seen them doing anything, she wouldn't have called their father, Tom wouldn't have been taken in the dead of night...there would have been no accident. 

But, of course, Bill couldn't blame himself. After all, Tom had come to him. It was his mother's fault. She had overreacted to the whole thing, made Jorg come to get Tom right then, even though it was pouring rain outside. If she hadn't called their father, Tom would still be around, Bill was sure. 

His phone rang, and Bill glanced to see who was calling. His mother, again. She had done the same every October since he moved out. He never answered; when he moved out, he made it clear that not only did he blame her for his brother's death; he had never forgiven her and would not talk to her again until he had. That had been six years ago. 

Bill pulled into a free parking space and grabbed his bag, getting out of the car. The class was doing autopsies today; Bill wasn't sure how he'd react to that. He hadn't seen a dead human body up close since the time he went with his mother to identify the bodies. 

He hadn't even gone in with her, back then. He was supposed to stay in the waiting area while she went in. He had been so curious, though. Well, it was partially curiosity; the other part was the disbelief that his brother was really dead. So Bill had crept in after his mom, stood behind her unseen as the man uncovered the two faces. 

Bill walked through the front entrance to the building that housed his class as he remembered seeing his dead brother's face. He recalled how he had rushed over to his poor, dead brother, hugging him to his chest as he cried. He didn't even notice the big hole in his brother's side; it had already been stitched up for the autopsy. 

He had caressed the dirty blonde dreads, wishing that his twin weren't so cold. So dead. He had been pulled off gently, held at bay by his mother while she quickly identified the bodies. 

Bill blinked, bringing himself back to the present as he entered the room, smelling the formaldehyde in the air. It was time for class to begin.


	2. On My Own

Chapter 1: On My Own

 _Standing on my own_  
Remembering the one I left at home  
Forget about the life I used to know  
Forget about the one I left at home  
So now I'm standing here alone  
I'm learning how to live life on my own  
~Three Days Grace, 'On My Own'

The thing about dead bodies, Bill reflected as he carefully opened his subject up, was that they were dead. When he was fourteen, all he had known was that the dead bodies in front of him used to be his twin brother and his father. Hell, he was so wrapped up in his grief for Tom that he hadn't even paid attention to his dad. Now, however, he was much more mature. 

The bodies didn't affect him at all. He had been in trepidation at first, unsure how his first dead body in ten years would make him react. As soon as the sheet was pulled back, though, he had managed to get right to work. It wasn't too bad, really. His subject was a thirty-three-year-old female, cause of death was a brain tumor. She had deep brown hair and blue eyes; she was the complete opposite of his brother's lithe 14-year-old body. 

"Hey Bill!" his partner greeted him, coming in exactly one minute late, as usual. 

"Hey Georg, what's up?" Bill greeted, a smile on his face. "It's a miracle that you're still one of the top students when you're always late."

"The top student," Georg corrected, running his eyes over the assignment. "I'm number one in the class. Remember, Zahl Zwei?"

Georg was an exchange student from Berlin, and he took great pleasure in reminding Bill of his class rank in his native language: 'Zahl Zwei' meant 'Number Two.' It was a long standing joke between the two friends. They had met freshman year of college as roommates, and had yet to separate. 

"So, Bill, I have a proposition for you," Georg suddenly turned serious. He lowered his voice and leaned over the subject, obscuring Bill's light. "I'm going to learn the answers to life and death, and I need your help."

"What?" Bill glanced at the clock. They should really continue on the subject if they were going to be done in time. "How?"

"I'm going to die," his friend continued, "and you're going to bring me back to life." 

A chill raced through Bill, as he saw his twin laying on the cold metal table once again. Just like the corpse in front of him. That would be Georg. He couldn't do it. There was no way. 

Everything suddenly seemed to close, the formaldehyde making his head spin as he struggled to concentrate at the task at hand. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. 

"I don't think so," he replied flatly. "Count me out, if you're doing this crazy thing. Get someone else to help you." A part of himself wondered how he could become a doctor if he couldn't stand the thought of death and dying; the truth was, he just couldn't stand the thought of those close to him dying. 

"I really need you there," his friend pleaded. "You're the best in the class, after me. I already have Gustav and Andi, but I really need to have you there. To take care of the IVs and stuff."

Gustav was their mutual friend, also in the top five med students. Andi...Bill frowned. Andreas was his boyfriend. They had a touchy relationship that was mostly based on sex, to be honest. Bill had never liked sleeping alone, and Andi gave him a reason not to. Bill was attracted to the blond, true enough, but no one could ever replace Tom in his heart. 

When Tom died, Bill hardened his heart, vowing to never let someone that close again. At the same time, he began to push aside his feelings for his brother. He would never regret what they had done together, but it was wrong, and if he were ever given the chance, he would not continue it. Not that he would ever be given the chance, he thought, frowning. Tom was dead, after all. 

"No," Bill repeated firmly as Georg finally moved out of his light. "I refuse to be your murderer."

"Just...think about it, okay?" his friend asked, pleadingly. "I'm not doing it until tomorrow night. You can still join in. We're set up in the section of the library that's being renovated." Bill nodded, but didn't answer. He just turned back to his work. 

It wasn't long until the class was over. Bill carefully cleaned his tools and replaced them before he washed his hands and grabbed his bag, heading out the door. His boyfriend was waiting for him, as usual, when he exited. Bill frowned a tiny bit, almost unnoticeably. He had specifically told Andi not to try to see him that day. October 31st was a day that Bill always spent alone, if he could, reflecting on his life with Tom, remembering his brother and one-time lover. 

"Hey, Babe," the blond greeted him, putting an arm around his shoulders. Bill shrugged him off, trying to ignore the hurt look on Andi's face. Today was Tom's day, not Andi's. Andi had Bill 364 days of the year; he could afford one day without him. 

"Not today, Andi," Bill said flatly. "I'll talk to you tomorrow." He strode towards his car, grateful to see that the rain had let up. 

"What's wrong?" he wanted to know, of course. Now was not the time for Bill to have an argument with him over Georg's experiment, or even about coming when Bill had told him not to. All he could think about was getting to his twin's grave. 

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," Bill repeated. He hadn't told anyone about Tom. No one understood why it affected him so much, anyway, even after all these years. No one ever had. "I need some time alone."

"Okay," Andi looked a little hurt, but backed off, for which Bill was grateful. He got into his car and drove off, leaving his boyfriend standing in a puddle. 

Once Bill arrived in his cozy little apartment, he took off the makeup he still wore everyday. After scrubbing his face clean, the man put on loose clothes and stuffed a hat onto his flat-ironed hair. Looking around, he quickly found what he was looking for and grabbed it, stuffing it into his bag.

Bill raced out the door, hoping that he would arrive at the cemetery before it grew too dark. His twin's grave was an hour drive away; he had wanted to stay close to Tom, even when he went away to college. The drive was quick and easy, the sun already drying the wetness from the rain. 

Bill grabbed his bag and hopped out of the front seat once he was parked. He hadn't bothered to bring flowers; he was sure Tom didn't mind, and money was tight as it was. Instead, searched in his bag for the thing he knew he had put in there a few days ago, Tom in mind, as he searched the tombstones for the granite marker. 

**Tom Kaulitz  
** 1 September 1989- 31 October 2003  
Beloved Twin, Beloved Son  
Rest In Peace 

Bill plunked himself down on the cold grass, his bag beside him as he withdrew the first present to his brother. 

"Hey Tomi," he greeted the open air, staring at the words. "Sorry I couldn't come earlier. I was in class. I made it to med school, you know? Isn't that awesome?

"Anyway, I got you another guitar pick. I mean, it's practically tradition now, isn't it? And this one's special, since it's the thirtieth one. See? It has 'Tom and Bill forever' carved on it. Because we really will be together forever, even though we're apart now. I can feel you next to me, even though you're dead."

Bill's voice caught as he set the latest pick next to the twenty-nine others. It was so hard to believe it had been ten years already. One pick for every Christmas, birthday and October 31st without his twin. He wiped the tears from his eyes, trying to calm down enough to continue his one-sided conversation. It was important to him to sit at his brother's grave at least once a month and talk to him. 

The student was glad he hadn't wore makeup, since it would just get all over his face and smear. Tom had always loved it the most when Bill had taken off his make-up. The al-naturale look was Tom's favorite on Bill. He always wore Tom's old clothes, too, as it made him feel closer to his brother. He had long since out-grown his brother's clothes, but he had kept every one of his hats. 

Bill took a deep breath and searched for the thing he had grabbed form his apartment earlier; a notebook filled with lyrics, just for Tom. He flipped it to an page he had spent hours on, perfecting it. 

" So I wrote another song," Bill continued, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I'm really crap at it, you know? You were always so much better at music than me. But...I bet no one sings to you like I do, huh? At least, that's what you always told me." 

He forced a smile before he started to sing. 

'I walk alone  
Think of home  
Memories of long ago  
No one knows I lost my soul long ago'

Bill took a breath as the sobs threatened to overwhelm him again. His twin was dead. Tom was dead. It was almost too much to handle. The depression began to weigh him down again, the same as it did every time he came here. He couldn't stop coming, though; it wasn't fair to Tom. 

"Why, Tom?" the med student sobbed. "Why the fuck did she try to take you away from me? Why?" 

Bill lay on the wet ground, clutching the notebook in his hand as he stared at the words engraved in stone. Raindrops started to dribble down on him, slow at first, but picking up speed. He could only lay there crying as he stared at the stone that was carved with his twin's name; the symbol of his loss. 

"I miss you, Tomi," Bill finally whispered, grabbing his soaking back and walking back to the car. He dropped the wet notebook and bag into the front seat and pulled himself in, instantly feeling his wet clothes stick to his skin. He took a deep breath before he started the car and began the long drive home.


	3. Time Of Dying

Chapter 2: Time Of Dying

I will not die, I'll wait here for you  
I feel alive, when you're beside me  
I will not die, I'll wait here for you  
In my time of dying  
~Three Days Grace, 'Time Of Dying'

 

Bill gasped as he rode his lover, arching his back so that Andi was hitting his prostate with each thrust. He closed his eyes, reaching forward to take care of himself as he balanced on his knees. 

He looked at Andi through hooded eyes, his dreadlocks barely registering to Bill. Not even the fact that his normally-platinum hair was dirty blond bothered him. It was the brown eyes, identical to his own, staring back at him that pushed him over the edge...

"Fuck!" Bill awoke with a start, tossing the sheets aside as he scampered out of bed. He stared at the offending piece of furniture, breathing heavily. He hadn't had a wet dream about his twin in years. Why were they coming back now?

It was just the anniversary of his death, Bill told himself. And Georg's offer. It had to be. He was completely and wholly devoted to his boyfriend Andi, now. There was no way he could ever love anyone as much as Tom, but it had ceased to be a sexually thing ages ago. Back then they were just experimenting, after all...

Speaking of which, Bill owed his boyfriend an explanation for yesterday. He wasn't sure the 'bad day' excuse would cut it, like it usually did, though. He had already used that excuse for Tom's birthday, and he and Andi had been together for five months. 

A part of him nagged to just tell Andi about Tom, but he couldn't. Not yet. It still felt as if he were cheating on Tom, even after all these years. Hell, Andi was his first real relationship since Tom died. He would go on dates, but they didn't last long; he was always concerned about what Tom would think. 

His entire emotional scheme was twisted, he knew. He still took Tom's feelings into account, even though he was dead. It still felt as if Tom were just around the corner, waiting for him. Bill didn't love Tom like a lover anymore; he had gotten over that phase. But somehow it still felt as if he were cheating on Tom every time he kissed another guy. 

Ten years, and he still couldn't let go of his twin. Ten years, and Bill still hadn't let another man touch him in the ways Tom had. He was close to giving into Andi, to letting him see and touch places only Tom had touched before him. But it was dreams like the one he just had that stopped him every time he began to give in. Until he was sure that it would be Andi's name leaving his lips when he came and not his brother's, he would do nothing. 

"Why, Tomi?" Bill asked quietly, trudging to the bathroom for a shower before class. "Why do you have to haunt me like this? Why can't I move on with my life?"

Silence answered him, and with a sigh, he turned on the tap. Georg would ask him about the little experiment again today, he knew. Bill wanted to say 'no'. He didn't want to kill his friend, or bring him back to life. The fact that it would help him with his studies, though, nagged at him. 

He had wanted to be a doctor as long as he could remember. He had first noticed it when he was five or six. Tom and he had a best friend, Lukas, that had some sort of disease. Hemophilia, Bill had found out later, meaning that the slightest scratch could bleed for hours, unless it was stopped. 

That's exactly what had happened, too. They were playing video games and Lukas rocked back and hit his head on the coffee table. Bill had been traumatized, seeing the blood everywhere, as Tom ran to find help. Bill had done the only thing he could think of; he made Lukas tilt his head up and pressed the edge of his shirt to the wound. 

Despite his efforts, Lukas died in the hospital that night. He had lost too much blood. From then on, Bill resolved to never be in that situation again. He wanted to be able to fix people and make them better. 

Somehow, that childhood dream was coming to life before his eyes. With Georg's offer...if he could bring his friend back from death, he could do it to anyone, right? He could fix anything! But if he was going to do the experiment, he resolved, he refused to do it for fame or glory. 

Bill got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, thinking. Why would Georg want to die, anyway? Sure, to know the answers to life and death. But was he doing it for the fame and glory, or for personal curiosity?

Bill had to admit, he was just as curious as Georg. What did happen after death? If Bill participated in the experiment, he could have the data, he would know what happened to Tom's soul...

Inspiration suddenly hit him. Of course! Why should Georg risk his life when Bill could risk his own, and even more willingly? Worse comes to worse, Bill would die and be with Tom. In the best case, he would at least have closure as to what had happened to Tom's soul. 

Bill combed his long, dark hair as he picked up the phone and dialed his best friend's number. 

"Yeah?" Georg was wide awake, even though it was only 9am. He went to bed early so he could get up early. 

"Hey, it's me," Bill replied as he set his comb down, staring at himself in the mirror. Is this what Tom would have looked like, had he been alive today? "About your experiment..."

"Are you coming?" Georg sounded excited, hopefully. 

"Under one condition," Bill bargained. "I want to die, too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was as nervous as hell than evening. He and Georg had already bargained; if Georg survived the night, Bill would get his turn the next night. It made sense, after all; mistakes would be made if they tried to kill Bill immediately after Georg and the German had to help bring him back. 

Bill took deep breaths to calm himself as he let himself in the renovating part of the library. It didn't take long to find the make-shift lab. Bill's eyes ran over the equipment, mentally cataloging it. There was the Oxygen, the IVs, the heart monitor, the EKG, the brain monitor...everything looked in place, except...

Gustav came up behind him, wheeling in the defibrillator. 

"Where's Georg? And Andi?" Bill wanted to know. He hadn't actually seen his boyfriend all day, and the suspense was killing him. If they were going to work together, they didn't need to be fighting. 

Not that they were fighting now, Bill reminded himself. They were just...tense, because Bill couldn't bring himself to talk about Tom. He'd probably break down if he started talking about his twin.

"Georg's in the bathroom, saying his final prayers," Gustav shrugged. "He's Catholic, you know? This whole thing is bordering on suicide."

Bill nodded, waiting for information forthcoming about Andreas. There was none. Gustav returned to plugging in the defibrillator. 

"So Andi?" Bill pressed. He had tried earlier to call Andreas, but the blond had never picked up. 

"Not coming," the stocky man replied shortly. "His grandmother died yesterday. Didn't he tell you? He's going home for a bit for the funeral and stuff. Check the IVs, will you?"

Bill felt guilty as he checked the IVs. That was probably why Andi had come to him yesterday, to tell him goodbye. He had blown off his boyfriend for his dead brother...again. 

That's what had happened to all of his previous boyfriends, to be honest. The longest relationship he'd had was 6 weeks long, before Andi. Every one of his previous dates got tired of coming second to someone dead--the ones that even knew about Tom, anyway. 

Georg walked into the room, taking a deep breath as he pulled off his shirt. They needed clearance to his chest in order to use the defibrillator, Bill knew. 

"Alright, are you guys ready?" Georg asked. "Andi's not coming, so you guys will have to work extra hard, huh?'

Bill nodded, but both he and Gustav were silent as Georg lay down on on the table. There was no instruction given; everyone knew exactly what their job was already. With the electrodes placed in the correct spots, Gustav placed the mask on his friends face and turned the Ketamine gas on. Gustav placed a thermal sheet on top of the med student, turning the knob to cold. Once his body was cold enough, they could induce the KCl. 

Bill got the Potassium Chloride ready to inject into Georg's arm via the IV. The plan was relatively simple: Put Georg to sleep, inject him with KCl to cause a heart attack when his body temperature became 86ºF, let him flatline for one minute, and then warm him up and bring him back to life. Simple. 

"He's asleep," Gustav said, checking the readings from the brain monitor. "Are you sure you want to do this? We could just let him wake up naturally. He'd never know."

Bill considered. He could do it; since Gustav suggested it, they could say that the experiment failed, end of story. But...Bill had to go under himself. If it didn't work with Georg, then he was sure the German would call the entire experiment off. Bill needed to die, to see Tom again; even if it was only for a minute. 

Bill flicked the knob and shook his head. Georg would die tonight, no matter what. His friend would die and come back, so Bill could see his twin. 

Together, Bill and Gustav watched as the EKG flatlined, doing nothing to stop it or bring Georg back. They switched their attention to the brain monitor, waiting for it to flatline. 

"Begin countdown," Gustav announced finally. "One minute."

Georg was clinically dead.


	4. Get Out Alive

Chapter 3: Get Out Alive

No time for goodbye he said as he faded away  
Don't put your life in someone's hands  
They're bound to steal it away  
Don't hide your mistakes  
'Cause they'll find you, burn you, then he said  
If you want to get out alive  
Hold on for your life  
~Three Days Grace, 'Get Out Alive'

Bill could feel his heart pounding in his chest in anticipation. Georg had been dead for 49 seconds. The defib was charged. The oxygen was ready. 50 seconds. 51. 52. 

This would be so much easier with another person, Bill reflected as he waited through the most agonizing minute of his life. 57 seconds. 

Bill took a deep breath. It was almost time. One more second. 

"Begin CPR," Gustav ordered. Bill placed the breathing mask he had previously taken off back on Georg's face, waiting while Gustav counted the beats. Pump air into his lungs. One. Two. Thirty chest compressions. 

"Defib," Bill ordered after a few times. Georg had been dead for a minute and a half already. 

Gustav placed the gelled electrodes on Georg's chest and set the AED to charge. Bill glanced at the timer again. They had to wake Georg up, and fast. 

"Clear!" Georg jumped up from the shock, but the EKG was still flat. "Again!"

He couldn't freeze up now. He wasn't allowed to be terrified that his friend was dead and that he wasn't coming back; that this was a big mistake. Bill had to make sure Georg pulled through. If he didn't, then the experiment was a failure and Bill would not be able to see Tom. 

"Clear!" 

The EKG started pulsing. With a quick sigh of relief, Bill began the process of tracheal intubation--in other words, ramming a tube down Georg's throat so he could breathe. Gustav was already manning the thermal blanket, trying to warm up their friend's body. They had to go slow, at this point, temperature-wise. 

Bill made sure that the tube was correctly placed before he checked the time. Georg had been dead for 2 minutes and 13 seconds. The mechanical ventilator was flicked on, and the machine began to do it's job: breathing for Georg. 

Now, they just had to wait, and make sure Georg's body didn't get too warm from the thermal blanket. The room was silent as they waited for the number one med student to regain consciousness. 

"So, how'd he pull you into this?" Bill finally asked, breaking the tension. Gustav laughed.

"I lost a bet to him," the stocky blond replied. He didn't explain further, glancing at the clock. "What about you?"

Bill bit his lip. Gustav had told him why he had joined, so Bill should return the favor. He wasn't ready to tell anyone about Tom, though. 

"I'm going next," Bill simply answered. "I need the answers." He didn't miss the shocked look on Gustav's face.

"You're going next? Even after all the trouble we had bringing Georg back?" Bill nodded. He needed to see Tom again, if only for a minute. He didn't he pause to think what would happen if Georg came back and said there was nothing out there. He couldn't, or else he would break, knowing that Tom was dead forever. 

Bill checked Georg's vitals, happy to note that he seemed to be alive and stable. The brain monitor showed that he was beginning to wake up, his eyes flickering back and forth beneath his eyeslids. Suddenly, the eyes opened blearily, looking around the room. Bill and Gustav jumped into action. 

Gustav shown a light into his friend's eyes, checking for a response, while Bill monitored his heart rate and breathing. They had to run a few tests before the tube could be taken out, and Georg allowed to breath on his own. 

"Eyes are fine," Gustav announced, just as Bill prodded Georg's leg with a small needle. They had to make sure Georg reacted to painful stimuli, to make sure he could function and breathe on his own. Georg yanked his leg back and Bill nodded. 

"Okay, Georg, can you hear me?" Bill asked the patient. He nodded. "Okay, can you hold up three fingers for me?" 

With some difficulty, Georg formed his hand into a fist, sticking 3 fingers up, one at a time. Bill nodded. 

"Okay, we're going to take out the endotracheal tube, okay?" Gustav asked gently. "If you can understand us, give us a thumb up." The fingers were replaced and a thumb came up. 

Bill carefully shut off the automatic ventilator. He didn't withdraw the tube yet, watching Georg for signs of trouble breathing. When there were none, he removed the tube as carefully as he could. 

"Okay, Georg," Gustav began, bringing the brunette's attention to him. "Can you talk?" A nod. "Can you tell me your name?"

"Georg." His voice was raspy, as expected from having the tube down his throat. Bill walked around, cleaning up the makeshift lab. He seemed to be okay, just a little confused and disoriented. All in all, it was a successful resuscitation, no brain damage apparent. 

Georg sat up as Gustav carefully took of the electrodes, shutting off the various monitors. 

"Chest hurts like a bitch," Georg commented with a small laugh. Bill and Gustav chuckled as the brunette put his shirt back on and stood up. He hissed in pain as he took his first steps and stumbled. 

Thankfully, Gustav caught him and helped him sit back down. Bill noticed how Georg's eyes strayed to the same corner of the room. There was nothing there, Bill was sure. Just a few shadows. 

"You wanna get something to eat?" he suggested as Georg struggled to his feet again. The brunette nodded, looking over to the corner again before they headed out the door. Gustav kept a hand on Georg's hip, making sure he didn't fall again as they exited, Bill flicking off the lights. 

The student union was still open, so Bill ran up to get them all food while Gustav and Georg picked a table in the quieter part of the huge cafeteria. He returned quickly, laden with a tray of food for them. Being dead made someone hungry, he guessed. 

"Feeling better?" he asked as Georg inhaled two burgers. The brunette nodded. "And the experiment?"

Georg's eyes strayed across the room, staring at apparently open space. He brought his attention back to Bill and Gustav with a weak smile. 

"There's something out there," he replied simply. "It's hard to explain, but...it's like your best memory and your worst memory combined in the best and worse possible way. I mean, it's...it's just unexplainable, to be honest. But there's something."

"Did you see anyone you knew?" Gustav asked. "Like dead relatives or anything?" Georg nodded. 

"Yeah," he replied quietly. "My mom." His eyes glanced back at the empty space quickly. 

"I'm still going under," Bill replied firmly. "Your experience could be a fluke. It's better to have more than one trial to go off of."

"Okay," Georg consented. Bill had been slightly afraid that Georg would refuse him, now that Bill had helped him; but it seemed he would be true to his word. "But I don't think now is a good time. I'd probably make a mistake and..."

"It's okay," Bill joked. "I wouldn't want you to kill me by accident." That got a small chuckle out of the group. "It's Friday now. How about Monday?"

"You're not going through with it, are you?" Gustav asked, aghast. "You have your answers! Georg told you what happens!" Bill shook his head.

"I'm still not convinced," he lied. "Sorry."

Georg turned his attention back to the same space. 

"Yeah, Monday's great, Zahl Zwei," was all he said, reminding Bill once again that Georg was the number one student in school. "Now, I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend after my near-death experience. What about you guys?"

They laughed and talked for another hour or two before they noticed that the student union was closing up. 

"I should go," Bill laughed, gathering his bag. "I need to call Andi."

With a wave, he separated from his friends and dialed his boyfriend's phone. 

'Hey it's Andi. I'm not in right now, so leave a number after the beep'.

"Hey Andi, it's Bill," the raven-haired man started as he walked to his car. "The experiment was a success, but I'm going under Monday. Look...I'm sorry how I acted yesterday. It wasn't really fair to you, but I'll explain sometime, I promise. Just...call me, okay?"

Bill hung up and sighed. He wasn't sure what to do about Andreas. He sure as hell didn't feel like he loved Andi; at least, not in the same sense as he had for Tom. He wanted Tom back. He knew that was impossible of course, but he had to settle for getting a brief glimpse of Tom on Monday, when he died. 

He had chosen Monday for a single purpose: it was four days after the anniversary of Tom's death; the day he had been lowered into the ground. It seemed fitting. 

Bill unlocked his car and sat in the driver's seat, not turning on the engine yet. He was going to see Tom again. It could make things worse, he decided. He could spiral even deeper into depression and end up killing himself to be with Tom forever. Or it could make things better. He would be able to say goodbye to Tom, something he had never really been able to do before. He could let go of Tom, and move on with his life. Either way, on Monday was going to be a life-changing event.


	5. Wicked Game

Chapter 4: Wicked Game

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.  
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.  
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.  
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you  
~Three Days Grace, 'Wicked Game'

Bill was getting worried. He had left a message for his boyfriend every night before he went to bed, and every morning when he woke up. Andi had texted one time, saying he'd be home by Tuesday morning. 

It was Monday, the day of Bill's death. He wondered if he could get a death certificate and everything. That would be pretty cool, right? He could get one and send it to his mother, with a suicide note, blaming her for both his and Tom's death. He smirked; the idea had merits. 

He knew he wouldn't do that, though. All it took was for him to imagine Tom's disappointed face, and he knew it wouldn't happen. It'd probably give him mom a heart attack or something, and then she'd join them in the afterlife. He sure as hell didn't want that for eternity! Besides, Tom had always liked their mother more; he might be upset if Bill killed her, even indirectly. So much for that idea. 

Georg was strangely silent during class. Every so often, he'd look around, or murmur something under his breath--talking to himself in German. It was something he never did. 

"Are you sure you don't have brain damage or something?" Bill finally joked. "You keep talking to yourself and looking around."

Georg blushed, and began to clean up the tools they were using in the autopsy. It was near the end of class, and most of the work for the class had been done. 

"I'm fine," he gruffed, flustered. "I just...it's nothing. Do you still want to...tonight?"

"Yeah, of course," Bill replied. "I trust you and Gustav." He got a weak smile in return as they put their tools away and shuffled out of class. 

"Okay, nine sharp," Georg reminded him as he walked off towards his car. 

Bill nodded. He wouldn't miss this chance for the world. Not that he wanted the world, anyway; he'd settle for seeing Tom again just fine. He nearly missed the mop of blond hair that stood shadowed in the doorway. 

"Bill?" he whirled around to throw himself on his boyfriend.

"Andi!" he shrieked, grinning. He quickly wiped the smile off his face, however, remembering how the other med student had lost his grandmother. "Are you okay? You said you would be back until tomorrow morning..."

"Yeah," he smiled weakly. "I'll be okay, I guess. But, I mean, I just lost her...I don't want to accidentally lose you, too, without saying goodbye."

"You got my message, then?" Bill asked softly, pushing his hands into his boyfriend's back pockets--just the way Andi liked them. 

"Messages," he corrected softly. "Every one of them." 

He sighed, tightening his grip on Bill and pulling him closer. 

"Why would you do this?" he wondered brokenly. "Is it just for the fame? Making sure you get your cut and Georg isn't the only one to get on Oprah? Why?"

Bill's throat closed up. He wasn't ready to tell Andi about Tom yet. It warmed his heart to know that Andi focused on his upcoming death instead of Bill dissing him earlier last week. 

"I need answers," he finally choked out, his face buried in Andi's shoulder. "I...I wish I could tell you more, but I can't...not here." He meant that time as well as that place, but of course Andreas didn't take it that way. 

"Should we go to your place or mine?" the blond asked, pulling away to look at Bill before he swooped down for a light kiss. 

"Mine," Bill responded quickly. "I have to get ready for tonight." Andi frowned at that, but nodded. 

"We'll take your car," he decided, resting his forehead against Bill's. The raven-haired man resisted the urge to pull away. It always felt wrong, every time Andreas did something romantic. Not that this simple motion was romantic, but it was...intimate. 

That was the case with all of his boyfriends, Bill had long ago found. Whatever he had had with his twin...he could never be that close to anyone again.What he had had with Tom was special, he knew, even if it was wrong. It was as if, if he did anything slightly romantic with anyone, the first thing he thought of was how Tom would do something like that if he were alive. Or worse, he felt as if he was desecrating his twin's memory. 

It was the number one reason he had yet to let anyone touch him sexually. Only Tom had been allowed to do so, and to let someone touch him like that now was a big step. It was as if he was holding tight to the virginity that Tom had taken from him when they were thirteen. 

Bill shook his head to clear his thoughts and quickly followed his boyfriend, who was already walking towards his car.

"You coming?" Andreas called, pausing to look back. 

"No, but you will be," he replied, smirking. "Soon."

"I can't help it that you're like a freakin' vacuum cleaner," the platinum blond replied, ruffling his hair a little, pushing the blond hair into spikes as Bill caught up with him. 

Bill stopped himself just in time from admitting something like 'practice makes perfect'. Andi was probably only the second or third person that Bill had gone down on since Tom. Only the fourth he had done anything sexual with at all. Had Bill always been choosy with whom he picked, or had so few measured up to Tom's image?

"I am so glad you only live ten minutes away," Andi said as they got into the small car. 

"You just can't wait, can you?" Bill smirked again as he gunned the car and started cruising down the street. Andreas shrugged. 

"It's been a while," he simply explained. Bill nodded. 

"Yeah. It has." 

For good reason, too, Bill thought to himself as he turned onto his street.

He felt like he was betraying Tom every time he gave anyone a blowjob. With Andi, though, he was able to push those feelings aside, if only for a short while. He could try to live his life as someone normal. As someone who wasn't still mourning his cold, dead brother who'd been in the ground for ten years. As someone who hadn't learned sex from said brother. As someone who didn't feel guilt every time he looked at someone else. 

Until his boyfriend tried to touch him in turn. The guilt came, then. It came in torrents, raining, pouring down on him. He would jerk back, unable to help himself. Only Tom could touch him there. Had been able to touch him there. Even when dead, his twin's touch haunted him. Even when Bill had told himself that he had grown out of the twisted relationship he had had with his brother. 

The med student turned into the parking garage for his apartment in the city. Student housing definitely had its perks, he decided, as he parked and got out. Andi was already halfway across the lot, almost to the elevator. He really couldn't wait, Bill realized with a frown. Had it truly been that long? Only a week...

As soon as the elevator doors closed, Bill found his back against the wall, his mouth ravaged by a hot tongue. 

"Make me forget," Andreas murmured against his lips. "Make me forget this whole damn weekend."

"Now?" Bill gasped. They were in the elevator! Couldn't his boyfriend just wait?

"Please, Bill," the blond pleaded, pushing the emergency stop button. "What if this is the last time? What if you..." He swallowed hard. "What if you don't come back tonight?"

Was that where he need came from? Was that why he was so insistent now?

"I'm not supposed to eat anything six hours before," Bill resisted a bit. To be honest, though...he had never done it in an elevator. In fact, it was so out there that he didn't feel the need to think about Tom while he dropped to his knees, unzipping Andi's pants. 

"So don't swallow," Andreas argued. "Just...God Bill..."

Bill could never blow a guy in the bedroom. All he could think about when he was in the bedroom--any bedroom--was what Tom did to him there. The guilt always came in the bedroom. He had taken great pains to insure that nothing sexual went on in his bedroom. He didn't even touch himself in there. The bedroom was simply a place he collapsed in after the day was done.

Bill pulled down Andi's pants, letting his cock spring free. Instead of thinking about why he didn't have sex in his bedroom, he should have been thinking about the fastest way to get his boyfriend off. Besides that fact that he didn't want the repairman to open the elevator to find his mouth on his boyfriend's dick, he really wasn't in the mood for this little tryst anyway. 

It was the day they had buried his brother. No matter what he did now, he would still feel the guilt acutely afterwards. It wasn't like he could just flick a switch in his head and stop thinking about Tom. That was impossible. He turned his attention back to Andreas.

It will all be over soon, he thought as he expertly sucked his boyfriend to the back of his throat. After tonight, I'll be able to let go of him. I'll never let him control my relationships again.

It wasn't long before Bill pulled away, finishing his boyfriend off with his hand. He dug out the sanitizing wipes he kept in his bag and wiped Andi off himself. The blond closed his eyes and hummed contentedly as he leaned back against the wall. 

"Thank you," he said as the doors opened and they stepped out into the hall. Bill nodded and continued down the hall, towards his small student apartment. 

"It's nothing," Bill forced a smile as he unlocked the door, giving his boyfriend a quick kiss on the lips. "You needed it."

He could be the charming boyfriend. He was naturally flirtatious, and not even past events had changed that for long. 

"I have to change," he said as he set his bag down and moved towards the bedroom. He didn't even change in the bedroom. He always went to the adjoining bathroom. 

"Any chance of--"

"Nope," Bill cut him off breezily. "Besides, you'll see me without a shirt tonight. I told you, I want to--"

"Take this slow, I know," his boyfriend sighed, plopping down on the couch and turning no the tv. Scrubs was on. "Go ahead and change, I'll be here." 

With a nod, Bill walked back to his dresser to pick out some clothes to wear.


	6. Stay With You

Chapter 5: Stay With You

Fooled by my own desires  
I twist my fate  
Just to feel you  
But you, turn me toward the light  
And you're one with me  
Will you run with me?  
~Goo Goo Dolls, 'Stay With You'

Bill looked in the mirror, shivering in the cool night air. He was shirtless, dressed only in a pair of loose, worn blue jeans. He kept the makeup on his face, as it wouldn't affect the experiment. He took a deep breath, preparing himself. Whatever happened that night, things would be better, he was sure. Either he would get to see Tom, or in the even he didn't make it back, he could stay with Tom. Georg had already said that there was an afterlife, so he didn't worry too much about that aspect of it. 

"Hey, you coming?" Andi stuck his head into the bathroom, eyes no doubt caressing Bill's bare back. It wasn't that he hadn't seen it before--only that glimpses of his boyfriend's body had been few and far between. 

"Yeah, one second," Bill called out. He turned back to the mirror, taking in his appearance once again. Well, at least he was going to die pretty. 

He felt as if he were on Death Row, as he walked down the hall to the back section of the library, where everything was set up. He took a deep breath before he entered the room and sat on the table they still had set up from last week. Andi helped him put in the IVs and Bill lay back on the table, breathing deeply as the rest of the monitors were hooked to him. 

He didn't have the excuse that he was doing this for science, like Georg had. He was doing this for the purely selfish reason of seeing his twin one more time--and no one else in the room knew that. 

Gustav placed the mask over his face and turned on the gas. The med student inhaled the gas deeply, feeling the foretelling calm drop upon his as he began to get sleepy. Georg was fiddling with the controls for the electric blanket. He closed his eyes, breathing deeply as everything seemed to get farther and farther away. All too soon, or perhaps not soon enough, he was in deep slumber. 

He opened his eyes, blinking. He was in his room again. Not the bedroom in his apartment--the bedroom he had once inhabited at his mother's house, when Tom was still alive. He looked down at himself. 

He was no longer twenty-four years old. He was back in his thirteen year old body...or was he fourteen? He could no longer remember when he had changed his hairstyle to the black spikes in the back, long bangs in front. He was wearing one of his old shirts, a black ensemble with chains around his neck. Leather cuffs and gloves adorned his arms, while tight black jeans enclosed his legs. He remembered these clothes exactly. He remembered each and every article of clothing he had worn the day Tom had slipped them all off. He remembered burning them in the backyard the day after Tom died. 

Bill heard voices outside, the sound of car doors slamming and an engine starting. He crossed to the window and pulled aside the curtains, looking out the window facing the driveway. He saw the grey-blue sedan drive off, and knew what was coming next. 

Excited voices filtered from downstairs as the twins ran into the room, laughing and smiling. Bill could only stare at his own image, dressed exactly as he was, as he raced into the room. His twin immediately followed, dressed exactly as Tom had been, back then. 

"Tom," Bill whispered, drinking in the sight of his brother. Ten years. It had been ten long years since he had seen more than a picture than his twin. Since he had been able to actually see, touch, feel his twin. 

He watched as the images of himself and his thirteen-year-old twin happily embraced before Younger Tom shoved Younger Bill on the bed. 

"Do you wanna?" he heard his twin's image ask suddenly, breaking the silence. 

Bill already knew what was coming. He would say yes, and Tom would pull off every piece of his clothing, one by one, until they were both naked. Then, they would lay in bed and kiss a while, working up the courage to go further. Slowly, Bill would make his way over to Tom's lap, where they would kiss and make out a bit more before Tom would slowly reach for the lotion that they had hidden under the mattress in preparation for this event. It had been long in coming. 

"...Bill?" The voice broke him out of his musings. He swiveled around, looking into identical caramel eyes. His voice caught in his throat as he gazed upon his brother. Like Bill, Tom appeared just as he had on that day, the day that he had taken Bill's virginity.

"Tom?" he asked, staring at his brother. He wasn't sure who moved first; he only knew that he was once again in his brother's arms, in a completely platonic embrace. "I missed you so fuckin' much."

"It's okay," his twin reassured him. "We're together now. Forever."

Bill could only relax into his twin's embrace as Tom gently guided them to the bed. The other versions of themselves were gone now, revealing themselves to be only memories. Something nagged at the back of Bill's mind, as if he shouldn't be laying here with his twin. As if he should be doing something or saying something; but all he could feel was a lethargic calm that poured over him. He was with his twin at long last, and this was the way things should be. 

Bill blinked, and suddenly the room was dark, moonlight pouring through the open curtains. He was a bit older now, fourteen, perhaps. He was dressed only in his black boxer-briefs now, cuddled up to his twin still. Tom stared back at him, a serious look on his face. He was fourteen, too, of course, wearing blue boxer-briefs. 

"You'll stay with me forever, Bill, right?" he asked softly. 

It was on the tip of Bill's tongue to say yes, but something stopped him. He looked over at the bed, where a version of him and Tom were curled up, sleeping. Hadn't he been in the bed just a second ago?

"Bill?" Tom was starting to get frantic, and yet Bill couldn't say the word. He wanted to, but something held him back. 

He turned his attention to the door, which was slowly opening of its own accord. His twin suddenly grabbed him, terrified. 

"Say it, Bill! Say you'll stay with me forever! Hurry!" 

There was a sharp pinprick in his chest, and Bill felt himself being tugged away form his twin. Everything came rushing back to him; he was a twenty-four year old med student, and he had died to tell Tom goodbye. He had never had time.

"No!" he screamed, clutching his twin back. 

"Stay with me forever!" Tom cried, trying to keep his twin close to him. "Say it!"

"Goodbye," he sobbed as he felt himself being torn back to the world of the living. 

"Don't leave me!" Suddenly, Tom's face changed from fearful from determined. He clasped onto Bill arm tightly, his sharp nails cutting into Bill's skin. "I won't let you go!"

Then, blackness. 

Bill's eyes flickered open, blinking in the bright lights. People surrounded him, asking him questions. He closed his eyes against the light, wishing for darkness once again.

"Come on, Bill, open your eyes," a voice broke through his conscienceness, pleadingly. 

Andreas...he wanted to make sure Bill was okay. Now that he thought about it, the previously dead man could start to understand the other voices. 

"Shit, come on, Bill, wake up. You can do it. Step away from the light..."

"Gustav! This is no time for jokes. Check the ET again, make sure he's getting enough air. Andi, keep trying to wake him up completely."

"Bill!" He forced himself into wakefulness. Tom. Where was Tom? Why wasn't his brother here with him?

A sharp light shown in his eyes, and then someone tried to get him to make a fist. He did so, trying to follow the instructions. Who knew it would be so hard?

"Okay, we're going to take the endotracheal tube out now," Georg said as he gently reached down to remove it. Bill was waking up a bit more now, the pain starting to set in. His chest hurt, tiny pinpricks all over from the electrodes, he knew. His throat felt sore form the endotracheal tube that had been shoved down his throat; he wanted nothing more than a glass of water and a few aspirin. 

"You feel better?" Andi asked, helping him sit up. Bill nodded, still a little dizzy and leans against his boyfriend. It was only then that he noticed the other person in the room.

"Woo-hoo! It worked! Bill! Can you believe it worked? I'm here! I'm alive again!" 

Bill could only stare in shock as his fourteen-year-old identical twin brother danced around the room. His dead identical twin brother.


	7. Running Away

Chapter 6: Running Away

You see right through me  
Cause you're running away  
You keep turning your back on me  
I tried so hard  
But you're running away  
Please dont turn your back on me  
~Three Days Grace, 'Running Away'

Brain damage. That must be it, Bill reflected as he watched his brother dance around the lab. There was no other explanation for him being able to see his dead brother. No other explanation as to why he could see him, and apparently no one else could. 

Gustav and Georg cleaned up the lab as Andi held him. He knew that he was exhausted, both mentally and physically. Maybe he didn't have brain damage...maybe it was a combination of wishful thinking and exhautsion. 

"Bill?" He drew his attention back to his boyfriend. "Are you okay? You're spacing."

"Yes, fine," Bill gave him a weak smile. He wasn't about to admit that he was brain damaged...at least not to anyone other than himself. If hallucinations were the only symptom, he'd be fine. All he had to do was ignore Tom. 

Gustav walked right through his brother as he shuffled about, cleaning up. Tom glared at him, stopping. 

"What the hell?" he asked, his voice falling on deaf ears. Bill forced his attention back to his boyfriend, away from his pouting twin. Tom opened his mouth to say something else, but stopped himself, glare fading to a look of confusion as he slowly approached his brother. 

"Want something to eat?" Andi asked as Georg flicked off the last monitor. Bill nodded, his attention back on his brother. He was hungry.

"Bill?" he looked confused as he hesitantly placed a hand against Bill's cheek. He seemed at a loss for words as his thumb caressed Bill's lips.

Bill froze; he could feel Tom. It was as if Tom was real, as if he were another living being standing in front of him. He could feel Tom's cold hand on his flushed check, his thumb, rough from years of playing guitar, touching his lips softly. 

What was going on? Hallucinations didn't feel. The fact that he was feeling Tom turned it into a delusion. 

"Bill?" Tom asked again, his hand dropping to tug at his oversized jeans. Bill's cheek and lips tingled from the caress.His body, apparently, thought that Tom was alive and real, even though his brain remembered how Gustav had walked right through him.

Tom's look of confusion was slowly replaced as realization began to dawn on him. He looked stricken, then, taking a few steps back from his brother. "How long have I been dead?"

Ignore him, Bill ordered himself as he moved from Andi's lap and followed Georg and Gustav to the door. He couldn't afford to let anyone else know of his delusions. All he had to do was ignore Tom, pretend he wasn't there, as if he didn't exist in the material world. 

"Student Union?" Georg was asking, motioning towards the building. Bill nodded. The sooner he got food in him, the sooner the delusion would go away...maybe. Maybe this vision of Tom was just a port-mortem hallucination that would go away after a time.

He looked up to meet Georg's eyes, a strange expression on the other doctor's face. 

"You really okay, Zahl Zwei?" he asked softly, falling back to walk with Bill and Andreas. He squeezed his boyfriend's hand as he turned to look at Georg. 

"Yeah, great," he lied neutrally. "Other than the fact that my chest hurts horribly and my head feels about to explode, of course."

"Nothing else?" Georg pressed. Bill's eyes narrowed. He had seemed a bit distracted in the past few minutes, but that was no cause for in-depth questioning. 

"Nope. Totally fine," he answered. "Unless there's something I should know?" He raised a pierced eyebrow--or it would have been pierced, had he not taken out all of his jewelry. Even his tongue piercing was no longer in; it was too much of a risk for him to get zapped when the defib was used. 

Andi cleared his throat, squeezing Bill's hand reassuringly. 

"Erm...you were dead a bit longer than planned," he spoke softly. "We had a lot of trouble bringing you back."

Bill whirled around to confront the blond, eyes accidentally falling on Tom. He quickly shifted them away to glare at his boyfriend. 

"How long?" he demanded. "How long was I dead?"

Andreas took a deep breath before he answered, seemingly getting up courage. 

"Three minutes," he said quietly. 

Three minutes? Was that it? It had seemed like so much longer when he was actually dead...but then, death was supposed to be eternal, wasn't it?

"Bill!" his brother complained, once again drawing his attention away from Andi. 

He sounded frustrated now; he wasn't angry, but he was approaching that stage. Even after ten years, Bill could still read his brother like a book. 

"I know you can see me! Why are you ignoring me?"

"Can I...can I have a big mac?" Bill asked, not saying anything about what Andreas had just revealed. "I'm...I gotta go to the bathroom."

"Sure," Andi said helpfully, obviously intending to let Georg get the food and follow Bill into the restroom. Bill quickly held up a hand. 

"I just need to be alone a minute, okay?" he asked, smiling gently as his boyfriend, before pecking his lips. He turned around to move towards the bathroom, confronting Tom's betrayed stare.

"...Bill?" The whisper was small, conveying more feeling than should have been possible. 

Ignoring his brother once again, he went into the restroom and looked around, making sure that it was empty, before he turned the lock, making sure no one got in. Taking a deep breath, he turned to face his twin. 

"Tom?" he asked quietly, not wanting his voice to carry out of the room. Why was he even bothering to answer this delusion? Would that make it even worse? "Is that really you?" 

Tom nodded, stepping closer to his now-older twin. He hesitantly took him in his arms, laying his head against Bill's chest. The older male hesitantly wrapped an arm around his brother, holding him. 

The med student looked down, noticing that he was a full foot taller than his brother now. It was strange; he had always been the younger twin, had always been the needy one. Now, it was Tom that was gaining comfort from him; Bill was the strong one, the one who couldn't break down. Taking a breath, Tom stepped back, looking his brother up and down. 

"Bill...what happened to you? I mean...oh God. You're old now!"

"I am not old!" he immediately retorted. Tom snorted.

"Well, you're not young, either," he sniped. "You're like...Mom's age or something."

"Don't talk about that fucking bitch!" Bill hissed, before he realized what he had said. It was his catch-all phrase for anything concerning his mother. When he referred to her at all, she was always 'the Fucking Bitch'.

Tom fell silent, shocked. Both twins had always loved their mother, at least when Tom had been alive. To hear his brother refer to her in such a manner...how long had he been dead?

"Look, Tom, I'm sorry," he said after a minute. "It's just...I haven't spoken to her in six years, since I turned eighteen. We just...it's her fault you died, you know? I can't just forget--or forgive--something like that."

"I..." Tom murmured, mostly to himself. "You said 'I'. You always said 'we' before..."

Before Bill could reply, there was a knock on the door. 

"Hey, are you okay in there?" It was Andi, checking on him, like a good boyfriend.

"Yeah," he called. "Be out in a sec!" Bill turned back to his brother, not sure of what to say. "We'll talk more when we get home."

With that, he flipped the lock and strode out of the bathroom, nearly knocking into Andreas. 

"Did you get my big mac?" he immediately demanded, tugging Andi as he moved towards the dining area. "I'm super hungry!"

"Georg got you two," Andi replied with a laugh, catching up to his boyfriend and directing him towards the table they had picked out. 

"Good!" Bill practically raced to the table He hadn't eaten anything since lunch, and it was nearing midnight now.

"So, what was your experience like?" Gustav asked as Bill wolfed down the first burger. "Are you convinced yet?" 

Bill didn't fail to notice Tom sitting in the the only open chair at the table. He hadn't bothered to pull the chair out; he had simply walked through it and sat down. 

"Convinced?" Tom looked over at Bill. "What's he talking about?"

Bill wasn't sure what to do. If he told the truth, then there was grounds for scientific research...he and Georg could become famous. But...how could he tell the truth of what he had seen? How could he tell them that he saw a memory of his brother taking his virginity? 

"I'm convinced that there is something out there," Bill began. "It's hard to explain. It was as if I was watching myself...in the highest point of my life. And then the lowest point of my life started. I'm not sure what comes after that, though."

"It starts all over again," Tom replied softly, drinking in Bill's image. "Over and over, for all eternity...until you came."

Bill nearly choked on his burger, his appetite leaving immediately. Gustav scoffed, ignoring Tom. After all, he wasn't really there, was he? Tom was just a delusion, something Bill's dying brain had come up with. And yet...it was comforting, almost as if he actually had his twin back. The fact that he could touch him, hold him...it was as if his brother was real and sitting before him. The feeling was...wonderful. The dark cloud of depression that Bill had felt for so long had finally lifted, now that his brother was alive again. 

But he wasn't really alive, was he? Gustav had walked right through him. No one could hear or see him. He wasn't alive--he was a ghost, for all intensive purposes. Except that Bill could touch him, see him, hear him...feel him. Did that mean that Bill could see, touch and feel all ghosts, or just Tom? And why? 

"That's what Georg said. No details or anything. Stop generalizing."

"It's kinda personal," Bill said flatly. "Something that I'm not willing to share, at least not in the name of science."

"Not even to me?" Andi asked softly, picking at his fries. 

Bill turned to him and opened his mouth. He stopped. He had promised to tell Andi why he had ditched him the other day, but he had no intention of telling him exactly what his relationship with his twin was like. He couldn't tell him the details. It wasn't possible.

"That's fine," Georg answered hastily. "It's getting late. Bill, I'll come home with you to watch you tonight."

It was something they had agreed upon before the experiments had even started. Someone had to stay the night with whoever had crossed over--it was mainly to make sure none of them had a relapse or anything. Bringing someone back from the dead was tricky, and could have serious complications. They all knew the risks. 

"Hold on," Andi protested. "I was gonna stay the night with him!"

"The experiment was my idea. I'm responsible," Georg shot back. Gustav stayed silent, for which Bill was extremely grateful.

"We already had plans," Andreas lied. Bill squeezed his eyes shut, a pounding in his head. He needed to go home and think things over, preferably without anyone else tagging along.

"I'll probably be fine," he broke in. "You guys don't really need to stay the night with me."

"You promised you'd take someone home," Georg replied simply. "Besides, I'm first in the class. If anything goes wrong, I would be best equipped to handle it."

Andreas scowled, knowing he was right. And yet, Bill could easily tell that he didn't want Georg going home with him. Was it jealousy? Did he think Bill was cheating on him?

As much as he didn't want anyone to go home with him, he really didn't want Andi to home with him...not when he was delusional and apparently having conversations with his dead brother. In fact, it probably was better to let Georg stay the night. For some reason, he felt as if his friend was keeping something from him. Remembering how strange Georg had been acting when he died, Bill began to wonder if he knew exactly what it was, now. 

Only one way to find out.


	8. Real

Chapter 7: Real

Can you feel real like you are?  
Can you feel your life the way I feel your love  
And the biggest chance that we can take  
Is open arms and wide awake hold me now  
So we can feel alive  
~The Goo Goo Dolls, 'Real'

He walked behind his brother, watching as his twin talked with his friend, a translucent figure trailing behind them. Her lips moved, as if she were speaking to Bill's friend, but he couldn't hear her. Was she...just like him? 

He had seen her before, since he came back. She hadn't left Georg's side. He had found out from the conversation in the student union about the experiments, and knew that Georg had gone first. Had this woman tagged along, too?

Tom nervously tugged at his jeans again. He had so many questions. He knew that he had probably broken some heavenly rule or whatever, but right now, he didn't care.

Ten years. He had been dead for ten years. Bill hadn't exactly said that, but Tom could do the math. If Bill had been eighteen six years ago, then he must be twenty-four now. He had changed so much. He was taller, his voice deeper...his beauty more masculine. And his brother was beautiful. Tom had always found it so, and even ten years hadn't changed that.

This wasn't the Bill he was used to seeing. For the past ten years, he had been stuck, traversing the two memories. A memory of pleasure to accentuate the painful one. A memory of pain to make the pleasure more intense. It was an even mixture of heaven and hell, and Tom had hated every moment of it. Every single moment that he had been apart from his baby brother he had hated. He hated it even more now. 

Bill's hand hung down by his side as he and Georg walked out to the car. He purposefully twitched his hand, hoping that Tom could take a hint. He did. Without a word, his brother threaded their fingers together, laying his head on his shoulder as they walked. 

It wasn't even a question of whether or not he loved his brother, for Tom. He knew he did, just as Bill loved him. They had promised each other to never let go, to always love each other, no matter what. Death hadn't changed it for Tom, of that he was sure. 

But what about Bill? His brother had yet to push him away, but...what about that other guy, Andi? The way he looked at Bill...it was the same way Tom looked at his brother sometimes, eyes filled with lust and perhaps even love. And Bill had kissed him. Freakin' kissed him! 

Tom was feeling not a little jealous. But he couldn't exact confront Bill about it immediately, could he? It wasn't fair to his brother--no one could see Tom, or hear him, with the exception of possibly the woman. Anyone around would think that Bill had gone mental or something like that. 

Bill led the way to his car and hands the keys to Georg, getting into the passenger seat himself. He was no condition to drive, he knew...not with this headache, anyway. He was so tired, wanting only to sleep. It had been a long day, and an even longer night. 

His eyes flew open as Tom climbed into his lap, laying head in the crook of Bill's neck. Cold hands clenched his red shirt as Georg got into the driver's seat. Bill couldn't say anything, or try to push his brother off while the other doctor was in the car--nor did he want to, for that matter. He missed his brother so much...every moment with him made him feel better, as if he could scrub the grime on his soul away...the grime from the last ten years. he knew they couldn't continue doing anything sexual, but...right now, it was a matter of comfort. 

He didn't move as Georg started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, other than to place his hand on top of Tom's, squeezing lightly. 

Tom tucked a strand of long raven hair behind is twin's ear as silence reigned in the car. Bill had grown his hair long over the years, he noticed. There were a lot of things that were different about Bill, at least physically. A tattoo covered his forearm in swirly letters, half-hidden by a black wristband. His clothing style, from the one outfit he had seen on his twin, had become more refined, as had his once-messy makeup style. 

Almost everything about him had matured, it seemed. Not changed completely so much as evolved...and Tom was the same. Insecurities plagued his mind. Ten years was a long time...he wasn't even sure he could remember the last ten years of his life. How much had Bill changed? He still loved Tom...didn't he?

Of course he did, Tom chastised himself. Love like theirs couldn't be changed because one of them had died. A decade apart couldn't change they way they felt about each other--they had promised each other to be in love forever. Nothing could separate them. Reassured, Tom closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of his twin's hard body as the car smoothly sailed along.

Before long, they arrived in a parking garage, and Bill reached down to unbuckle his seat beat as Tom glided out of the car. 

Being a ghost could be pretty fun, he decided. He got to walk through people and walls...that certainly saved a lot of time. On the other hand, the only material thing he could affect was Bill. Tom had managed to move Bill's hair, yet when he tried to throw a fry at his twin's boyfriend, he found that his hand went right through it. That part would be annoying he was sure; but as long as he could touch Bill, he would be fine. Bill was all he needed. 

His brother seemed to be pretty tired , Tom noted, watching his twin lean back against the wall and close his eyes. 

"I was über tired when I woke up after crossing over," the other man, Georg, finally broke the silence. Bill nodded, obviously exhausted. "You might want to go straight to bed."

"No," Bill opened his eyes as the elevator came to his floor. "We need to talk first."

"About what?" Tom couldn't decide in the man was really surprised or if he was acting. "It sounds to me like our experiences were similar, in general terms."

"Yeah," Bill admitted, opening the door to the apartment. 

Tom walked in and gaped. The room was huge! There was a kitchen, a living room, a bathroom, and another door, when he took to be a bedroom. How did Bill afford a place like this? He must be rich!

He noticed another thing as he explored the apartment: it didn't look lived in. Sure, there were knick-knacks and pieces of abstract art and stuff like that, but it looked as if no one was home...constantly. Besides a small corner of the living room that was dominated by a neat desk, papers stacked in neat piles, there was no homey touch in the apartment at all. 

He went back to the white couch and plopped down between Bill and Georg, not even making the cushions move. It was as if he were a feather or something. He glanced at the woman in white before he spoke. 

"Nice place," Tom said, turning to his brother. Bill barely managed to hide a smile as he turned back to Georg.

"What happened after you came back?" Bill asked simply. 

Tom didn't really pay much attention, preferring to look at his brother instead. He scooted closer, so that there sides were touching. That was another nice thing about being a ghost; if people couldn't see him, he didn't have to hide his relationship with Bill. He could be as close to his brother as he wanted, now. 

Yet, years of hiding unless anyone at all was present had made him careful, even when no one could see. He glanced at the woman again. Bill couldn't see her, just like Georg obviously couldn't see him. Yet, if Tom could see her, then she should be able to see him, right? She met his gaze head-on, her lips moving. She was speaking but he couldn't hear her. 

"Don't bullshit me, Georg! You know very well what I'm talking about! Someone crossed over with you, didn't they?"

Tom suddenly turned his attention back to the duo. Bill was agitated, clearly fed up with the brunette's excuses. 

"Did...who crossed over with you?" Georg immediately asked, putting the pieces together rapidly. Maybe the white woman had told him about Tom, he didn't know. 

"It's personal," Bill responded flatly. "I don't care about that. What I do care about is that you withheld information from me! You knew something like this could happen, and you didn't say a Goddamn thing!"

"Would have you backed out if you had known?" the other student asked quietly. 

Bill looked down, threading his fingers through Tom's invisible ones. He was silent for minute, thinking. 

"No," he answered softly, deflated. "But a little warning would have been nice."

Georg nodded before he continued.

"It's my Mutti--my mother," he explained softly. "And...I just couldn't let her go, you know? One minute...it might seem like an eternity, but it's never enough time. So when I felt the pull, the pull to come back...I...I grabbed her and brought her with me."

He laughed a little. 

"She's driving me nuts, to be honest. I still don't know how I'll live without her though. I just...I can't let her go, you know?" He glanced at the woman that Bill could not see. "Thank God she doesn't understand English, or I'd be in deep shit," he joked. 

Tom watched her say something, and heard Bill's friend answer in another language...German or Dutch, maybe? 

Bill nodded, not looking up at Georg. 

"I guess," he replied with a small smile. "But...no more experiments like this, okay? I mean, everyone can't cheat death like this. What if we upset the karmic balance or whatever by bringing people back? We don't know the consequences yet."

"Yeah," Georg sighed. "You have no freakin' clue how bad my mom cussed me out for not telling you. I can't even imagine her reaction if we continued experimenting."

Bill nodded, suddenly feeling the exhaustion weigh down on him. It was close to three in the morning, and he knew that his friend had a semi-early class to attend. Bill had already told his professors that he couldn't make it to class the next day, intending to sleep the day off. 

"I'm going to bed," he said quietly. "I'll see you in the morning."

Bill got out a few blankets and a pillow for his friend before he headed to his room, Tom following. He wasn't sure how he felt about what Georg done. He had known, and he hadn't warned Bill. It wasn't that he was complaining about bringing his brother back--he was overjoyed to be able to see him again. It was the principle of the matter; Georg should have shared any and all information pertaining to the experiment. It was commonly known as informed consent among doctors.

Tom watched his brother set out clothes for the next day and quickly strip down to his boxers and slip into bed. He turned off his lamp, ignoring Tom as he closed his eyes. Black boxers. He had been wearing black boxers. Ironically enough, the color of his twin's boxers stood out in Tom's mind more than his grown body had. It was the same color he had worn the night that they were parted. 

Not bothering to ask for permission, Tom quickly stripped down as well, leaving his clothes in a messy pile on the floor and hanging his hat on the bedpost as he crawled into bed beside his brother. He slowly crept over and enfolded his twin in an embrace. Almost subconsciously, Bill wrapped an arm around his brother and pulled him close. 

"Tomi," he whispered contentedly as he faded into sleep. 

The formerly-older twin smiled and cuddled closer to Bill. He had his brother back, and he vowed that he would never let go.


	9. Screwed

Chapter 8: Screwed

Since I’m already screwed  
Here’s a message to you  
My heart’s wide open  
And I’m just not gettin' through  
To the lover  
in you  
And I’m still hopin’  
~Paris Hilton, 'Screwed'

Bill awoke to dreadlocks tickling his cheek. He smiled, feeling the rough hair move across his cheek as he turned towards his twin, eyes still closed. For a moment, he wondered if the past ten years had just been one big, long nightmare. Maybe he had just had a bad dream, and he was still fourteen, and Tom was still alive. 

Then the truth hit him. Tom was not alive; he was a ghost. 

"Are you awake yet?" Tom asked quietly, his voice rough from sleep. Did ghosts sleep? Bill wasn't sure. He hadn't seen his brother sleep, but then, he had almost immediately passed out when he got in bed, too. 

Bill yawned in answer, barely managing to cover his mouth in time. 

"Uck! Billa! Bad breath!" Tom wrinkled his nose, playing. He had always loved waking up with his twin in the mornings, bad breath included. Those days had been all too rare, and he treasured every one of them. 

Bill smiled at him before he heard a knock on the door. Georg peeked in, fully dressed in fresh clothes from his overnight bag.

"Hey," He greeted with a yawn. "I have class. So if you're okay, I'll be heading out?"

Bill nodded sleepily, grateful that Tom was invisible to Georg. The last thing he needed was for his friend to wonder why he was cuddling a kid in bed, both of them wearing only boxers. 

They used to cuddle like this, even before they began to do anything sexual; Bill had often wondered if everything they had done together had been leading up to a sexual relationship. He had thought about that a lot over the past ten years or so. His therapist certainly seemed to think so. 

"Okay, see you later, then," Georg replied. He hesitated a moment before he continued. "Hey, um...we'll talk, okay? About this whole ghost thing."

Bill nodded again and let go of his twin for a minute to wave his friend off. Once Georg was gone, he returned to cuddling Tom, leaning his forehead against his brother's. 

"I missed you," were the first words out of Bill's mouth. Tom smiled egotistically as he answered.

"Of course you did. I mean, what's not to miss?" he smirked, eyes mischievous. 

It was almost more than he could stand. That reaction was so...so...Tom. He had his brother back. Ten years of hardship, and he had his brother back. He buried his head into Tom's neck, trying to hold back tears. 

He was so...happy. It was a novel feeling to him...he hadn't been happy since his twin died. Even when he had achieved his dream and gotten accepted into med school, he hadn't been truly happy. He had simply been numb, or maybe even a bit pleased. Nothing like how he felt now.

"Don't cry on me!" his brother protested, pulling away. "I didn't mean to make you cry!"

Bill pulled him closer anyway, once again burying his head into the crook of his shoulder. 

"I missed you," he repeated brokenly. "For ten years..." He wouldn't cry. He wouldn't. 

"I missed you, too," Tom sighed. "You have no idea how horrible it is, to see the same two memories of us, over and over again. To be able to see you, to see us, and never touch you. And...it wasn't you, Bill. It was a memory of you, a memory of us...but it could never compare."

"At least you had that," Bill whispered, his lips brushing Tom's cool skin. "I almost forgot what you looked like, Tomi. Do you have any idea how horrible it was, to try and remember the exact shade of your hair, or the exact place of your lip ring? I used to know exactly..." he trailed off, afraid he might start to cry. 

"It's okay, now," Tom rubbed his brother's bare back soothingly. "We're together again. For good, this time. I mean, it's not like I can die again, right?"

That was the final straw for Bill. He burst into tears, loud sobs wracking his body as he pulled his twin even closer to him. 

"No no no, don't cry!" Tom panicked. "You know I can stand it when you cry!"

Despite that, he held his brother close to him, placing chaste kisses on his forehead until he had calmed down. 

"Sorry," Bill apologized. "I just...I missed you." 

He couldn't find the words to explain how he was feeling at the moment. As happy as he was to have his twin back, he wondered how long it could last. 

Would Tom go back after a week or so? Would he end up leaving Bill again? There were so many questions...he knew nothing about what had happened...despite the experiment, death was still a mystery. In fact, as with many experiments, it raised more questions than it did answers. 

"I missed you, too" Tom choked out, trying not to cry himself. It was a losing battle, as tears began to drip down his face. "I just...dammit Bill, why did you have to cry? Now I'm crying, too!"

Tom had always cried when Bill did. They emotions usually reflected the other. He was happy when Bill was happy, he was angry when his brother was mad, and he was scared when Bill was scared. Even though their emotions reflected each other's, though, they often expressed them in different ways. For instance, when Bill was scared, he usually cowered, while Tom stepped up to protect him--violently, if necessary. 

Over the past ten years, though, Bill had learned to defend himself, to act as one being, instead of two. Would that affect their emotional telepathy? He wasn't sure. Even more so, he wasn't sure what he wanted the answer to be, either. 

"I think...we should get breakfast," Bill replied after they had both calmed down. Tom nodded, wiping his own tears away. "Are you hungry?"

Tom thought about that. He hadn't eaten in ten years. He was bound to be hungry, right? But he wasn't. He didn't feel a single pang of hunger. Of course, he was still dead, though, wasn't he? Walking through things was a pretty good indicator of that. 

"Nah," he answered softly. "You go ahead and eat. It's getting late."

Bill looked at the clock and nodded. He just...asking about breakfast was a normal thing. It was something brothers did for each other--they made breakfast. But Tom rejecting his offer...it brought it all back to him. Tom was still dead. 

Of course, the arrangements this time were a good deal better than they had been for the past ten years. He could see Tom, talk to him...it was almost like having his twin back again. But still...it wasn't much fun if he still had to do everything for himself--cook for himself, go grocery for himself...half the fun of having a twin was sharing everything with them, after all. 

"Yeah, okay," Bill replied with a small smile. "I'm gonna go grab a shower, first though. I feel kinda icky and I promised Andi lunch at Mastba's."

Tom nodded. He wanted to join Bill in the shower, but he never asked. If Bill wanted Tom to come with him, he would ask. Besides...who was this Andi person? What was he to Bill? Was he...did Bill have a boyfriend? 

He knew it wasn't exactly fair to expect Bill to give up having a relationship for the rest of his life, but that didn't mean that Tom felt any less betrayed. After all, he was back now, wasn't he? Wouldn't Bill break up with his boyfriend and return to his soulmate, as he had promised?

Unbidden, a memory came back to Tom, of the two of them together, two days before their thirteenth birthday.

 

"Hey Tomi?" Bill asked quietly, watching the movie in front of them. 

Tom gently stroked his forehead as his twin lay in his lap. He wasn't watching the movie, to be honest--it was some chick flick of their mother's but Bill had insisted on watching it. 

"You're never gonna leave me, right?" his brother suddenly asked. "You're gonna love me forever?"

Their relationship had become that of more than brothers mere months ago, but already, they had taken hold of their new status, exchanging stolen kisses and cuddling more than ever before. They knew they would be together forever--they were twins after all. What could possibly part them?

"Duh," Tom deadpanned, glancing down at his twin. "What's on your mind?"

Bill blushed a little, watching the movie. He didn't say anything for a minute, working up the courage to say something probably either really stupid or really romantic.

"Can we get married?" he finally asked. One he started, though, he found he couldn't stop. "I mean, I know it wouldn't be real or anything, but I mean I love you and I can't stand being without you, even when you're in a different class or something. And...I want to have sex with you." 

The last part was barely whispered, so that Tom nearly missed it. He froze, staring down into his twin's deep brown eyes. 

"You...you do?" he whispered back. Bill nodded quietly, looking away as his face heated up. 

"I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to..." he muttered, embarrassed. 

They hadn't really spoken about sex yet. It had been hovering over their heads as they had grown older, these past months, but neither one had wanted to broach the subject. The question of who would be in charge, or indeed, how to even go about having sex between to males, had been enough of a deterrent. 

"I...Are you sure?" Tom asked, unsure. Bill nodded, still not looking at him.

"If you want...but if you don't just forget I said anything."

"Bill..." Tom sighed, glancing to make sure their mom was in the kitchen still before he leaned down to kiss his twin gently. "I want what you want, just like you want what I want. We're the same, Billa, and we always will be. You know, 'til death do us part and all. I mean...yeah. I wanna marry you."

 

"'Til death do us part," Tom whispered slowly as he watched his twin get ready for a shower. He had died...he still was dead. Would Bill still honor the vows they had made on their birthday, even though they were now void and null? Would he break up with his boyfriend to be with Tom? 

Ten years ago, he would have said yes in a heartbeat. Now? He didn't like the doubt that niggled his mind. 

But Bill loved him, didn't he? Of course he did, Tom reassured himself for the umpteenth time. Bill had told him he loved him, hadn't he? 

And yet, Tom knew that doubts would plague him until this 'Andi' was out of the picture, for good.


	10. Everything I'm Not

Chapter 9: 'Everything I'm Not'

I was losing myself to somebody else  
But now I see  
I don't wanna pretend  
So this is the end of you and me  
Cause the girl that you want  
She was tearing us apart  
Cause she's everything  
Everything I'm not  
~The Veronicas, 'Everything I'm Not'

Tom sat on the bed, staring at the ceiling as he listened to the sounds of his brother showering. He was pondering a semi-important question. How far could he go away from Bill? What would happen if he went too far? Would he go back to his 'afterlife' or would he simply be returned to Bill's side? Would he be unable to go a certain distance in the first place? 

He sighed, frustrated with the lack of answers. As he heard his twin getting out of the shower, he smirked, before quickly replacing it with a pouty look. Bill always fell for the pouty look. He always tried to do whatever was necessary to get that look off of his brother's face. 

Time for Plan A to begin. The A was for Andi--Plan Get Rid of Andreas. The first step, of course, was to make sure that Andreas got stood up by his twin. 

To Tom's chagrin, however, Bill didn't look at him when he came out of the bathroom. His phone had decided to ring at the precise moment instead. He watched his twin race towards the ringing sound and fish around in his bag from yesterday. 

"Hello?" he greeted, flipping open the phone without even checking to see who it was. Tom had a feeling he knew, anyway. "Yeah, Babe, I'll be there soon. Give me five minutes."

Tom sighed and sank back down on the bed, pouty look in place for when Bill turned around. He'd be damned if Bill was there in five minutes. When he was done with his twin, he wouldn't be going at all. 

"No, I'm fine," Bill continued quickly, turning around and gathering things into his bag as he spoke. "I just got out of the shower though, so my hair's still wet."

The once-elder twin frowned and climbed off the bed, not liking how harried Bill seemed from this conversation...it was almost as if he was scared of being late. He cast a quick glance at Tom before he replied to the phone. 

"No, you can't come over. I'll be there in five minutes, okay?" He hung up. "I have to go," he explained. 

"So?" Tom asked, a bit miffed that Bill had barely glanced at him once during the entire conversation. "It's not like you can go very far without me." He hesitated a minute, playing the trump card. "Unless you don't want me around, that is." There was a painful satisfaction at the terrified look on Bill's face.

"What? No! How could you think that? I just got you back!" Bill froze, his bag dropping from nerveless hands. Is that what his precious Tomi really thought? Had Bill really given off that impression? 

Caught up in his vapid thoughts, he barely registered the embrace he was now cuddled into, or the light kisses peppering his face. 

"I didn't mean it," his twin murmured in his ear. "I swear I didn't mean it. Don't cry, don't cry..."

"I'm not crying," Bill retorted, sniffing a bit. "I just...why would you even think that?"

"You're leaving me," Tom accused quietly, silently ecstatic that his plan was working. He'd make it up to Bill, but for now, he had to distract his twin from his impending 'date'. "How could I not think that you don't want me around?"

"That's not..." Bill began to protest, but stopped. He wrapped his arms around Tom and squeezed tightly. "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you right after lunch, okay? I promise."

He quickly kissed his twin's cheek and grabbed his bag again before heading towards the door. 

Tom stood there in shock. It hadn't worked. He had used every tactic he had to get Bill to stay and it hadn't worked. His twin was still going to meet his 'boyfriend'. 

"You wanna come?" he asked awkwardly, holding the door open. With a sigh, Tom nodded and walked through the door, watching as his twin turned and locked the door before heading towards his car. 

"I'm gonna be so late," he murmured under his breath.

"So...what's with you and Andreas?" Tom prompted as they got into the car. He didn't bother trying to put on a seatbelt, unlike his brother. It wasn't like he die again, especially since everything when through him. 

Bill sighed heavily before he answered, starting the car.

"He's my boyfriend. That's all there is to it."

He couldn't tell Tom about what he really had going on with Andi. He couldn't tell his twin brother that it was more a trophy relationship that anything else: Bill blew Andi, and he got to claim the blond as his boyfriend. It made his therapist happy; it made it look like Bill could have a nice, normal relationship. It kept him off the hardcore medications that messed with his brain more than it helped. 

That wasn't to say that Andi and Bill didn't care for each other--it was just more of a platonic relationship, outside of the sex. Both of them liked it that way, to an extent--it didn't hurt as much when Andreas cheated, like they both knew he did. And, despite it all...it made him feel normal. As if he had never had an incestuous relationship with his dead brother. 

"Your boyfriend?" Tom pressed as Bill pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. He simply nodded, having no intention of looking like he was talking to himself. 

"Finally," the blond man rolled his eyes as the other med student approached. "I don't even know how you can possibly make five minutes into twenty-five. Only you."

"Yeah, yeah, only me," Bill mocked with a smirk. "Maybe I had trouble getting ready due to my injuries."

"Injuries?" Andi's face gave a worried expression.

"Yeah," Bill sobered a bit, ignoring Tom as they followed the host to the booth. He sat down, his twin beside him, their legs pressing together. "My chest still hurts like a bitch. They don't tell you about that when they teach you how to use a defib. I've got freakin' bruises from the pads."

"Can I see?" his boyfriend immediately asked. "I'm a med student, you know. I could help." He winked cheerfully, making Bill chuckle.

"Maybe a bit later," he conceded, thinking about how uncomfortable he was right now. His former lover by his side, his currently one across form him, playing footsies under the table. The only good thing was that Andi couldn't see Tom. Now if only his brother didn't know about his boyfriend...or if they had never done anything sexual in the first place, for that matter. Tom would still be alive, and Bill wouldn't be seeing a therapist once a week. In fact, a lot of things that had gone wrong in his life could be attributed in some way to his former relationship with Tom--a relationship that he was fighting himself not to rekindle. 

How easy would it be to go back to loving his brother? All he had to do was dump his boyfriend, and they could be together again. Hell, maybe if Bill killed himself they really would be together forever--he had proof of that now, didn't he? He shook himself out of his thoughts to pay attention to Andreas. He had been down that road before. 

"So are you going to tell me about what happened?" Andi pressed. "You promised you would..."

Bill had promised no such thing, and they both knew it. But it really wouldn't be fair not to tell him. After all, that what boyfriends were for, right? To share things with and help one get over stuff. Like when your twin brother dies. Probably not the incestuous relationship thing, but definitely the dying thing. 

"I don't want to talk about it here," he answered lamely. "We can when we get back to my apartment." Andreas stared at him for a long minute before he nodded, turning back to the menu and changing the subject.

"What are you getting? And don't even think you're getting out of here without each at least two pancakes. Or at the very least helping me with mine."

Bill sighed and nodded, a small smile on his face. He was usually pretty good about eating, but Andi always insisted that he needed to gain a bit of weight. Apparently a sack of bones didn't make for a good cuddle, in his opinion. 

"So what are you getting?" Bill asked. He looked on in shock at the picture that Andi pointed to. It was three layers of pancakes, cream stuffed between them, and drowned in caramel sauce and whipped cream and powdered sugar. Fattening. Which meant salad for him. 

Tom watched the exchange, a frown on his face. Couldn't the stupid man leave his brother well enough alone? Was he trying to make Bill feel fat? His brother had always been a picky eater. He ate less sweets to make up for the vegetables he always hated. His 'boyfriend' surely didn't expect him to eat something like that, did he?

He saw the look of trepidation on his twin's face before it was pushed aside and he dug into the plate of pancakes Andreas shoved his way. He couldn't stand it.

"Why the fuck are you even eating that?" he exclaimed. "You hate caramel. Remember how we always threw out those treats mom would give us when Aunt Levine visited?"

Bill choked, barely able to swallow. He remembered quietly clearly what had happened last time his aunt had visited...it had ended with him and Tom in his twin's room, making out heavily. 

"You okay?" Andi asked. Bill nodded as he forced the bite down and pushed the pancakes away. No more caramel for him. He really didn't even like it in the first place, but it made Andi happy...

Tom gritted his teeth, his fingers closed around a fork. With a jolt, he looked down in time to see his fingers go through the fork. For a moment, he could have sworn he had held it...

"Fine," Bill replied, coughing a little as he sipped some orange juice. "Went down the wrong way."

Andreas sat back and stared at the other med student, not touching the pancakes he supposedly got for himself. 

"Ready to go?" he asked, though he had barely eaten. Bill sighed and nodded. He wasn't hungry anyway. He looked at his twin and waited for him to scoot out of the booth before he followed, letting Andi pay the bill.

Andi swooped down for a kiss as he walked over to his car, dragging Bill with him. They spoke quietly, agreeing to meet up at Bill's apartment before he headed back to his car, his silent, brooding twin in tow. 

He really wasn't looking forward to this conversation with his boyfriend, especially with his ex hanging over the entire conversation. But what could he do?

"Why do you do it?" Tom interrupted his thoughts when they were in the car. "You don't even love him. He definitely doesn't love you. So why are you with him?"

"It's just better this way," Bill answered as he puled out of the parking lot. "For everyone."


	11. Mockingbird

Chapter 10: 'Mockingbird'

I don't see us ever being together ever again  
Like we used to be when we was teenagers  
But then of course everything always happens for a reason  
I guess it was never meant to be  
But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is  
But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep  
Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream  
~Eminem, 'Mockingbird'

Tom glared at the blond man on the bed. Andreas couldn't see him, but that didn't matter, it was the act of glaring at him that made Tom feel marginally better. 

"So, when are you going to tell me?" he called to Tom's brother, who was currently in the bathroom, blow-drying his damp hair. 

There was only one bathroom in the apartment, and it connected directly to the 

Bill re-entered the room, not bothering to put his shirt back on as he collapsed on the bed next to the man. He stared at Tom, hoping he brother could take a hint and leave. 

No such luck. Tom sat down beside Bill on the small bed, arms crossed as he waited for Bill's explanation. He wanted to know what Bill had to say to his 'boyfriend'. 

"After the movie," Bill answered smoothly when it was obvious that his brother never intended to leave. Andi, at least, looked interested in the movie idea. 

"Movie?" he asked. "What did you have in mind?"

"House on Haunted Hill," Bill deadpanned. Hopefully, Tom's hatred of horror movies would case him to go AWOL on his twin. "The new one."

"How come all of the movies you like involve insane doctors?" his boyfriend teased as he kissed Bill and rose to get the movie. "Couch or bed?"

"Do I have to ask which one you prefer?" Bill called back as he turned to his twin, taking advantage of the few minutes that Andreas was in the living room to hiss to his twin. "You might want to stay in here. It's a scary movie."

"I am not staying in here so you can go have sex with your boyfriend," Tom hissed back. 

As angry as he was on the outside, inside he was very, very scared. Bill had made no move whatsoever of breaking up with Andreas so far. In fact, if anything, he had promised to apparently tell Andi something in order to save his relationship. Didn't he want to be with Tom now? 

Of course, now that he thought about it, it would be really weird for Bill to break up with his boyfriend right after he died. Bill had to comfort Andi; after all, he had just died, right? That's what boyfriends were for; they were supposed to make you feel better when someone you loved died. That's what everyone had told him when Lukas died and he had to push his own emotions aside and comfort Bill. Not that they had actually been boyfriends then, but they were later, so it was the same thing, right?

So Bill had to comfort Andi. But there was something seriously screwed up if they needed to have sex to comfort each other. What about cuddling and light caresses? Those had always worked well with Bill...and even in the few cases when Tom had needed comforted, sex had never been needed. Therefore, it couldn't be needed now. It made complete sense to his fourteen-year-old mind. 

"Who the fuck said anything about sex?" Bill demanded. "I just don't think you'll like the movie." He rose from the bed and moved towards the living room.

"Considerate of you," Tom shot back, mockingly. "But I think I can decide that for myself." 

Bill shrugged and turned back around to face Andi as the blond entered, movie in hand. 

"Couch," he explained, brushing past his boyfriend brusquely. 

He didn't want to fight with Tom, not when he had just got him back. Instead, he had to focus on what he was going to tell Andi. Probably about Tom's death--he owed him that much at least. It was nearly the truth. As to what his best memory was, if Andi asked that...he'd just say when he lost his virginity, no details. Or maybe he could make something up about some date he and Andreas had gone on. 

Andi turned around and headed back to the couch, shaking his head. He should have known. Bill never used the bed for anything but sleeping on, as far as he knew. He curled up next to Bill on the couch before he thought to ask about popcorn. 

"You think I ever buy popcorn?" he teased, trying his hardest to ignore the fact that Tom was sitting next to him, fuming, as Andreas possessively threw his arm around him. 

As glad as he was to finally, unexpectedly have his twin back, it was extremely awkward to have to talk about said brother's death to one's boyfriend with his ghost in the room. Even more awkward when said brother used to be one's boyfriend. 

"You should," Andreas insisted. "If not for you, for me at least. I mean, we've been together, what, five months? And we've been doing movie days for three of them."

"Yeah," Bill agreed quietly as the movie started. He yearned to cuddle up to his twin instead of Andreas, to see if they still fit together like they used to. But of course, he already knew that they didn't. He had grown and Tom had not, that much was immediately obvious. 

Silence reigned as the movie continued, Tom staring at Bill and trying his best not to look at the movie. His brother's boyfriend's hand was too close to Bill's hip for comfort, but as long as they were just cuddling, Tom resolved not to say anything. He would go curl up beside Bill himself, but he had no desire to be that close to the other blond. He was skanky and he smelled, in Tom's profession teenage opinion. What did Bill even see in him?

He settled for clasping Bill's hand tightly, flinching at one of the women in the movie screamed. He never could understand why Bill loved horror movies so much. Of course, he usually watched them alone, rather than force Tom to sit through them, back when Tom was alive. Every time, Tom had ended up holding him, whispering soft words in his ears and rubbing his back gently. 

Bill clenched his hand tightly, squeezing his twin's even as he buried his face into Andi's shoulder. He wanted to be curled up against Tom. He wanted to break up with Andreas and be his twin's boyfriend again, to slowly make love to Tom. But he couldn't, because it was wrong. 

How often had he had that drilled into his head over the past ten years? Well, more like the first eight, if he were honest. For the past two years, he and his therapist had mainly been working on his depression, instead of his feelings towards Tom. They barely even brought it up now, really. 

Maybe they should, though, now that Tom was back. Not that Bill was about to tell his therapist that he was seeing his twin's ghost, anyway. That was the fastest way to increase his cocktails of pills, anyway. The pills that no one knew he took, because he kept them hidden in his bathroom, in the back of the cabinet. The pills that, along with his relationship with Andi, kept him sane. The pills that hadn't really done anything except make him tired in more than six years. Yet he still took them. 

"You get scared so easily," Andreas teased, pulling Bill until he was sitting on his lap, making him lose contact with his twin.

Bill looked over at Tom and reestablished the contact before burying his face back in the crook on Andi's shoulder, just as a headless body fell onto the survivors in the movie. He keened, hoping Tom wouldn't mind how hard he was squeezing. He usually didn't, but it had been ten years. 

"You always get so scared," Tom whispered softly, finally sucking it up and sitting next to Andi so that he could hug Bill. 

He all but picked his twin up and put him on his lap. Thankfully, it probably looked to Andreas as if Bill had simply slipped from his lap. Tom gently ran a finger along his twin's jaw, watching as Bill leaned into his touch and sighed. His boyfriend didn't even noticed, enraptured in the movie. 

"Did you see that?" Andi asked eagerly, frowning as he realized that Bill was no longer on his lap. "Dude, That chick is so creepy!"

Bill nodded, grinning. He could easily pretend he had seen what his boyfriend was talking about. 

"Of course," he answered, forcing himself to move out of Tom's hold and into his boyfriend's. This is the way it should be, he reminded himself. He should be with Andi instead of Tom. 

Tom crossed his arms and pouted, biting down on his lip ring, wiggling it to and fro. Bill watched, entranced, trying to look away, but unable to. The big black mass onscreen was just killing everyone left and right, anyway. No reason to look. 

Tom flinched as a scream was cut off, eyes still boring into Bill's, accusingly. Bill had left his arms for his boyfriend's. Andreas wasn't even paying attention to him! It wasn't like the blond even cared that Bill had slid off of his lap, really. He had gone back to watching the movie. The movie that was finally over. 

"Another?" Bill asked, pouting a tiny bit as he looked up at Andi through shadowed eyes, his head on his boyfriend's lap. 

"What's it worth to you?" Andi shot back, a smile teasing his lips. 

Bill hesitated. Normally, at this point he would turn his head to the side a bit and give Andreas a good time. Now, though...he couldn't just blow him with Tom sitting right there! He could himself himself now, blowing Andi while holding his dead twin's hand. 

Now that he thought about it, actually...wasn't that the perfect picture for what he had been doing all along, before Tom came back? Unable to have a fulfilling relationship because he was holding onto the ghost of his twin?

"A kiss?" he asked instead, hoping his tone sounded teasing. From Andi's smile and Tom's glower, he guessed he succeeded.

"A kiss?" Andi echoed, grinning. "If that's what you want to call it. And what exactly are you going to kiss?"

"Your lips, of course," Bill replied, reaching up to give Andi a soft kiss on the lips, trying his best to ignore the glare being sent their way by his twin. 

A tongue flicked against his lips and he opened, sucking Andi in and making the blond moan in need. Need that Bill could acutely feel as he straddled his boyfriend. He could still feel his brother's angry presence acutely, but he couldn't just push Andi away. He had to show Tom that they were through, as if there had been any doubt before. Besides, kissing Andreas felt too good to abandon them for a ghost. 

At least, that's what he told himself.


	12. Breakdown

Chapter 11: 'Breakdown'

What's that sound, you're so loud  
I'm heading for a breakdown  
Drink up all my alcohol  
This is not a free for all  
I'll be there for you  
'til my hear it black and blue  
~Breaking Benjamin, 'Breakdown'

Tom sat there, breathing deeply, trying not to do anything rash. That what his mother was always telling him. She was always saying that he did things rashly, never looking ahead at the consequences of his actions. Well right now, he was thinking about what would happen if he didn't do something. 

Bill was straddling his boyfriend, eyes clenched shut, as Andreas stuck his tongue down the med student's throat. Bill didn't look like he wanted it very much, but the blond didn't seem to care. His roaming hands reached up Bill's still-naked torso, mere inches away from touching a dusky nipple.

His jaw clenched. He couldn't do anything. As much as he wanted to grab his twin's floor lamp and beat his boyfriend over the head with it, he knew his hand would go right through it. They only thing he could affect was Bill. 

As he glared at his twin's grasping hands, an idea occurred to him. Though it had felt like eternity for Tom since he had felt his brother's touch, eternity had blended into itself, so that he no longer knew how long had passed. But Bill...his twin must have been counting each and every day since Tom had died. 

Ten years was a long time. Had Bill...had he forgotten what Tom's touch felt like? Had he forgotten how he used to nearly come, just from Tom's innocent touches? Maybe it was time to remind him. 

"Andi," he moaned, eyes still clenched shut, trying to forget that Tom was there. Trying to ignore the fact that knowing his twin was watching had already made him half-hard.

"Let me touch you, Bill," Andi whispered heatedly in his ear. "We both know you want it. Just let me."

Suddenly Bill felt arms around his waist, an arousal pressed into his back. He gasped as he realized that Tom was the one gently kissing his neck, lapping at his salty skin. He was instantly hard. 

"No..." he protested, trying to shove both Andi and Tom away, without making it obvious to the other. He didn't need Andi thinking he was crazy. He didn't need Tom to know that Andi and he had never had sex. The lie made their relationship seem more stable than it really was, to other eyes. It made it seem more like he was over his twin. It didn't mean he was. 

He couldn't do anything. If he kept resisting Andi, like always, Tom would know and think they still had something. But he couldn't give in to Andreas. The guilt was already present. But he had to give in, to show Tom that he was serious about his boyfriend.

He couldn't shove Tom off. It would look weird. He couldn't get off of Andreas. It would bring him closer to Tom. What could he do? His own body betrayed him, reacting more to Tom's invisible caresses than to Andi's firm ones. 

"You alway say no," Andi sighed, running his thumb over Bill's nipple just as Tom put his hand through Bill's pants to stroke his length. 

He threw his head back, moaning loudly. It had been so, so long since foreign hands had touched him there. Since Tom's hands had touched him there. A haze of lust began to settle around his mind, sensation overload, as Tom confidently stroked his length and suckled the crook in his neck. 

The problem was, Tom knew his body like the back of his hand. Andreas, though he had experience, did not have experience with Bill. 

Taking Bill's moans as a sign of consent, he skirted a hand lower, rubbing against the outside of Bill's jeans. He latched his mouth onto Bill's nipple, lapping at the hardness before biting down harshly, making his boyfriend cry out. 

Tom knew what he was doing. True, he had never done it in this position before, but he still knew what Bill liked, even after ten years. He was determined to be the one to make his twin come. There was no way he could let his brother's boyfriend have that. He had had it too many times already, as far as Tom was concerned. 

Bill placed his hands against Andreas, pushing against him as he pushed back into Tom, trying to push both of them away simultaneously so that he could think. It wasn't working. Tom had wrapped an arm around his waist, resting it on the tattoo he had of three concentric stars while he stroked his twin through his jeans. 

Before he knew it, Andreas had unbuttoned his jeans and brought his length out. He relaxed his arms, unable to even move as two very different hands ran themselves along his cock. 

"Fuck," he hissed, closing his eyes so that he couldn't see. He didn't want to see Andi touch him. He told himself he didn't want to see Tom touch him, either. They were going to have a serious talk when this was over. About...something. 

What was so bad about this, anyway? Andi was his boyfriend. Tom was a ghost. It was okay for his own boyfriend to touch him. And Tom...well, did it really count as sex when it was a ghost bringing him to completion? At this point, he honestly didn't care. He was so close...

Tom smirked as Bill began to thrust shallowly against Andi, his head leaned back and resting on Tom's shoulder. His twin was gasping for breath, arms loosely held around Andreas's neck as the blond sucked on his nipples. Tom knew Bill was close. He had to be, because Tom was close. They always came at almost the same time. He ground against his twin's ass again, sucking at the spot right behind Bill's earlobe.

With a gasp, he came. Bill told himself it was Andi massaging his length. In the back of his mind, though, he knew that his own brother had made him come...again. 

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Andreas asked, ruining the moment. 

Not that there had been a moment, really, Bill reflected as he realized that his invisible brother was supporting him more than his boyfriend at that moment. The same invisible twin brother that had just made him come. 

He quickly repositioned himself away from Tom, wishing he had missing the hurt look on his face. It tore at his heart, made him feel guilty about even looking at Andreas after his own brother had brought him to climax. 

"Now me," the blond insisted in nearly the same breath. He took one of Bill's hands and placed it on his own straining erection. 

Bill could do this. This was easy. This was something he had been doing for the past four or five months. 

He should have expected Tom to get pissed. His twin brother was a fourteen-year-old boy that just got dissed after he had nearly had sex. He didn't have to be physic to know that Tom wouldn't be happy. So, he probably should have expected something like this.

Without warning, Bill's hand clenched, sharp, manicured nails digging into Andi's soft manhood. 

"Fuck!" the blond threw him back, tears streaming down his face in pain. "What the fuck, Bill? I just jacked you off and this is the fucking thanks I get? I did you a fucking favor and you fucking mutilate me? What the fuck!"

Bill only stared at the invisible hand wrapped around his. The same hand that had added the pressure and made his hand clench around Andi's cock. The hand that was connected to his extremely jealous and pissed off twin brother. The same brother that had quite likely, in one second flat, ruined his entire five month relationship with the blond. 

"Andi, wait!" Bill called, springing into action. It was too late. His boyfriend was already heading out the door, jacket in hand. 

"I just don't get you, Bill," Andreas spun around on him. "I fucking practically worship you, nd you never let me even touch you. The one time you do, the one time that supposed to be special for us, you attack me when I ask for the simplest thing."

He took a deep breath before he turned back around, hand on the doorknob. 

"I don't get you, Bill. And frankly, I don't really want to try anymore."

It's over. That was what Andreas was saying. 

Bill could only stare in shock as his longest relationship in ten years turned his back on him and walked out the door. He felt numb. He hadn't loved Andi, sure, but the guy kept him sane. Were they even friends anymore? 

His therapist had told him that change, for him, was bad. He automatically associated change with losing his twin, since that was the biggest change in his life. Therefore, every change was bad. 

He could feel a breakdown coming on. Andreas, his anchor for the past few months, had left him. He was stuck alone in the same apartment with his invisible brother. The same invisible brother that had just molested him. 

Yes, he decided, Tom had molested him. Because Bill hadn't wanted it. Because it was wrong. He turned around and picked up the phone, making his way past his gleeful brother and towards his room. He didn't even look at Tom. Obviously, he was crazy. That explained everything. 

He had probably even imagined dying, he thought to himself. What if he had even imagined Georg? And Andi? Did they really even exist? He sure as hell imagined Tom, he was sure. In fact, maybe he was still fourteen years old again. Maybe he had been the one in the car accident, and he had been in a coma for ten years. 

"Hello, Doctor Turner's officer," the receptionist cheerfully answered. 

"Yes, I'd like to make an appointment immediately," Bill twisted away from his thoughts. "Bill Kaulitz."

"And the reason for your visit?" his therapist's receptionist asked cheerfully. 

"I think my pills stopped working."


	13. Faint

Chapter 12: 'Faint'

I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel  
But it's like no matter what I do  
I can't convince you to just believe this is real  
So, I let go watchin' you, turn your back  
Like you always do, face away and pretend that I'm not  
But I'll be here 'cause you are all that I've got  
~Linkin Park, 'Faint'

Tom knew he probably shouldn't have done what he did. He knew it was wrong. But...the blond had ruined a nearly perfect afterglow! He barely took the time to appreciate his twin's beauty...the way Bill gasped for air, his eyes closed, as he came down from the high Tom had just given him...

Tom has seen red, wanted only to hurt Andreas in the only way he could--through Bill. So he had. And, as expected, the blond wanted nothing more to do with his twin. He had done Bill a favor, in his opinion. Bill didn't have to make up a reason to break up with Andreas now; Tom had done it for him. 

He clapped his hands in glee, watching as Andi walked out the door. He and Bill could be together, now, he was sure. He waited in the living room, waited for Bill to come back and thank him, tell him how much he loved him. It didn't happen. 

Bill stared at the door for a few minutes before abruptly turning and striding towards his room with a purpose, grabbing the phone on his way. A bit deflated, Tom took the time to change his stance into a pouting one, waiting or Bill to come back. Instead, he heard Bill's voice begin talking on the phone. 

Was he already calling Andreas, trying to explain? The blond wanted nothing more to do with him, Tom was sure. Hell, if he had been Andi, he probably would never talk to Bill again. But of course, he was Tom, so if Bill had done that to Tom, they would have fought and then made up later. 

A sudden thought hit him. Was that going to happen now? Was Bill already setting things in motion to be that way with Andreas? He nearly ran to the bedroom, catching the last part of Bill's sentence. 

"I think my pills stopped working."

Tom halted, unseen, uncomprehending. Bill wasn't crying. He wasn't happy, either. He seemed...numb, almost. It wasn't a conversation with Andreas, Tom figured right away. There would be more emotion in the call, he was sure. And what pills was he talking about?

"Can you get me in today?" Bill continued, yanking a black planner out of his bag and flipping it open. "...I suppose. What's the earliest you can get me in tomorrow?"

Slowly, Tom edged his way into the room, leaning over to look at the words Bill was writing down. 

"Nine is great," Bill interrupted, pretending not to notice Tom. He slammed the book shut as he finished the conversation he hung up. Still ignoring Tom, he immediately went to the connecting bathroom and slammed his door. 

His twin hesitated; closed doors had never been an issue between them before, but Tom knew he had crossed a line with Andreas. It would probably be better to let his brother cool off a bit before going after him. 

In fact, now was probably the perfect time to see how far away Tom could go from Bill. With a last glance at the closed bathroom door, he turned and walked to the front door. He hesitated once again, glancing back, before he walked through the front door and into the beige hall. Taking one step at a time, he headed towards the stairs, counting as he went. 

When he reached one hundred twelve steps away from Bill, he wondered if it even mattered how far he was away from his twin. Could he go to the grocery store or whatever if Bill was sick? He took the stairs carefully until he reached the car garage. Still nothing. He had left Bill, and still, there was nothing. 

With a sigh, he sat down on the hood of a car, bringing his knees up to his chin. He knew he had some seriously thinking to do. He knew he was a ghost; walking through things was a pretty good indication. But what could he do? Obviously it didn't matter if he was away from Bill at all. He had counted each step, and if eight hundred and ninety-three steps wasn't far away, he wasn't sure what was. the next state over?

Obviously he couldn't touch anything, either, except Bill. And apparently...had he dreamt about that fork in the diner? He could have sworn he had held it, if only for a second. And he could sit and rest on things...or go through them, depending on his mood. 

Sighing, he lay down on the car, glancing through the windshield to see the owner's permit hanging from the rearview mirror. With a smirk, he blew, focusing on making it twirl. To his surprise, it fluttered faintly in the slight breeze, turning over to reveal the driver's name and permit number. 

Tom froze. Bill's car. He was sitting on Bill's car. Why hadn't he noticed? Of course, he had only been in it once or twice before, and he hadn't been paying attention, but still...

Was his little experiment for nothing, then? If it was Bill's car...it was still something of Bill's, connected to him in some way. He had read a lot of ghost stories as a kid, and watched a lot of movies. Hell, his favorite movie was probably Ghostbusters II. 

He tried to remember all of the rules he used to know by heart. Ghosts didn't need to eat. He distinctly remembered the scene from Casper where the uncles had had a feast. Disgusting. 

But then...weren't ghosts normally see-through? He looked down at himself. Nope. Definitely not see-through. He poked himself. He felt real. Weren't ghosts supposed to be able to do crazy stuff like turn into monsters and stuff? Tom pouted, thinking that turning into a monster would be pretty cool. Why did his Ghostlife have to suck?

Of course, he thought to himself, Bill might not like him so much if he could turn into a monster. He'd probably run out of the room, screaming. Maybe that wasn't such a great thing to be able to do...

Determined, Tom got off of his twin's car and started to walk away, towards the clearly lit Exit sign that obviously led outside. Maybe some fresh air would help him. Or some video games. But he hadn't seen any video games when he was in Bill's apartment, so fresh air would have to do. 

Just as he was about to pass through the metal door to the outside, he stopped. There was no reason for him to stop, he knew rationally. But he felt as if a choice lay before him. It was almost as if...he couldn't go any further without leaving Bill. If he took one more step, he somehow knew that it would be the end of his existence. 

In front of him, the door burst into a flurry of twinkling white lights. The same lights he had seen that night ten years ago, when he had died. 

He knew what lay beyond those lights. He had been there for the past ten years. But behind him...Bill was behind him. Bill was upstairs, in the bathroom doing God-knew-what. 

He remembered how his twin had clutched him like a teddy bear the night before as they went to sleep, terrified of letting him go. He had barely seen his brother for a day; Bill still needed him. And Tom still needed Bill. 

Without another thought, Tom turned and fled, running all the way back to Bill's apartment. He might have even flown, he wasn't sure. All he knew was, he was back in his twin's apartment, in Bill's space. He was safe. 

Still shocked and terrified from his close brush with what he now considered 'true death', he stumbled into his twin's bedroom and sank down into the bed. 

Bill was already there, asleep, breathing deeply as he grasped the pillow he was laying on. How long had Tom been gone? A glance at the clock showed he had been gone less than an hour. Bill hadn't really even been tired before. How could he be asleep now?

It was kind of like when their mom got really upset over something, Tom thought as his eyes narrowed. She sometimes took a pill and went to lay down, asleep in minutes. 

Resolutely, he got off the bed and stalked towards the bathroom, finding the offending bottle immediately. Actually, he found many offending bottles, all containing pills of different sorts. He tried to read the complicated names on some of them. He didn't recognize any of them, but then, he wasn't a doctor, either. The bottles weren't forthcoming about their uses, either, for the most part. 

There was an open bottle that appeared to be over-the-counter, a brightly emblazoned 'SLEEP-AID' highlighted in neon green on the bottle. 

A lump in his throat, Tom made his way back to the bedroom, mind whirling. Why did his twin need all of those pills? Even though he was a med student, he shouldn't need that many pills! And especially...

Tom swallowed hard as he stared at his twin in a new light. Those pills had been prescribed for Bill. They had his name on them. What were they for? Bill didn't...he didn't take them for a high, did he? His brother and he had always laughed at the people who got high for fun, ruining their body. 

No, Tom told himself firmly. Bill wouldn't do that. But...why the pills? 

He crept into bed with his twin, tossing an arm and a leg over his twin, curling into him as he closed his eyes. As a ghost, he had already found out that he didn't need sleep, just as he didn't need food. He would just have to wake for his brother to wake up. 

Then, he would get some answers. He would make sure of it.


End file.
